Silver Linings Amid Chaos

At times the corona-virus and the "stay safe stay home" order placed on us by our Governor seems to have taken away all of our freedoms. I work full time as a Graphic Designer in a beautiful BRAND NEW office. I love the interaction with the people I work with and for.
About four weeks ago I made the decision that I would need to work from home if the schools shifted to at home learning for the time being - Which did happen, and luckily my boss was very understanding once I called him and let him know of the struggles we were facing as a family in addition to the ones the world was now facing.

Amid all of that chaos, first my two oldest kids having to accept that their band concert was canceled, then restriction on gatherings causing our church services to be shut down, we had to send our daughter to the juvenile receiving center for a few days, because she was unmanageable and Tyson and I were at our wits end.

 My daughter who has BiPolar disorder type I, ODD, Reactive attachment disorder and ADHD and severe anxiety had been struggling since the beginning of the year, really since November of last year. She has snapped and physically hurt others at school, lost recess privileges, had these huge emotional outbursts, run away several times, was generally defiant, angry and unhappy, and dangerous. Our girl had a huge growth spurt and several hormonal changes and had just recently had her medication adjusted - but the medication takes several weeks before it levels out her mania - and had begun hearing things about the pandemic at school about school being shut down, the concert for her siblings had been canceled, and then the final straw for her was church being canceled. Seeing her that mentally unstable was something I will likely never forget, it was like I was looking at my kid, but someone or something else was looking back at me, and it hated her dad and me fiercely.

We made the decision that she was safer in a facility that had a kind of safety we could not provide. Safety from herself, but also safety for the other members of her family that were already in turmoil.
It was one of the hardest decisions we've had to make, and it was only 72 hours (which ended up being slightly fewer) but those couple of days gave us all a chance to step back and get hold of the situation in our home, while the situation in the world was getting worse.

When Sarah came home she expected to be able to return to school the next day, only to find out that school was now online, but her attitude had  shifted so something that would have normally caused a lot of panic was manageable. Online school began on the same Wednesday that we woke up to a 5.7 earthquake and several large aftershocks. Okay, I needed help, and I needed it from someone who knew me and my daughter better than anyone if we were going to get through this next little bit called "social distancing".  At this point I went to my room, I knelt down and I asked my Heavenly Father to please help me with my daughter, there was more to this prayer but I will spare those details. What I can say is that when I opened my eyes, tears streamed down my face and I knew he heard me, and that help was on it's way. That I had a Heavenly Father that valued my concern, and loved me and my family, and especially my girl.

This past 28 days has been hard, but the silver lining is that I have learned so much about my girl. Before this epidemic she was so unstable that her Psychiatrist, and her therapist recommended that  I could not send her to her church activities, because small things would make her snap. I have had the past almost month to help her learn how to identify where the anger starts and sometimes she is able to control it. Tyson and I would not have been able to help our girl free from others  who's "help" was making her sicker. I feel so much better about where Sarah is now as opposed to where she was. I know that part of it is due to the medication regulating her racing mind, but I also know that Heavenly Father has also had his hand in helping her, and I am so grateful he heard and answered my prayer.

2017 in review

I could say 2017 was the worst year of my entire life, but that isn't accurate or fair. In 2017 so much happened.
The year started off with Tyson getting the courage to start college for a second time. We made the decision to  have Sarah start taking the missionary discussions. I had emergency surgery to remove my gallbladder due to some horrible pain I was in for a very long time, and once I healed from the surgery I felt so much better. Sarah was baptised in February. Tyson and I celebrated our 14th year of marriage. Tyson left Discount Tire, and started a job with the Hunstman Cancer center.  My job has gone extremely well, and I feel it's been a year of making a name for myself within  the company. My kids had a fun summer swimming most of it. Madison was baptised the weekend she turned 8. Harlie got to go to her first girls camp. We had a huge Campbell family camping trip/ Family reunion. Harlie started Middle school  with honors classes. Lucas started 5th grade, Sarah started 4th and Madi 3rd.
Tyson and I bought  a brand new camping trailer, we even got it in time to take it to bear lake at the beginning of September.
September 13th my little sister passed away, while it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do,  I had the opportunity to memorialize her in both her obituary, and along side Becca at her funeral eulogy. I had the opportunity with my mom and sisters (Becca, Brittany, Steph and Taisha) to dress and help prepare her for burial. I also got to talk to my brother Michael who I haven't seen or heard from since my dad died 8 years ago. I had the opportunity to see my fractured family pull together to honor their sister and support each other.  My mom had major surgery and I got to be her person, and realize how important my role is in her life.  This year did not end amazing, quite the opposite. The past few months have been some of the hardest in my life, but I can't say they have also been very eye opening as to our support system through trial, and our resilience to continue on.  However I am hopeful 2018 will be a year of love, laughter and hope.

Loss

This photo was taken hours before my baby sister took her last breath.

I will never forget waking up in the middle of the night to take that phone call, the heartbreak and terror in my brother in law's voice as he hysterically told me Late was gone, he couldn't save her, the paramedics couldn't save her, that she had died. I will never forget the feeling of my heart breaking and struggling to catch my own breath, or the feeling of dread that my siblings and mom one by one would be experiencing that same heartbreak.

My little sister was one of a kind, she had a way of making you feel important, loved and worth while. She was an amazing sister, but she was an even more amazing aunt. My kids adored every moment spent with her. She didn't just say hi and play with them at family functions, she went out of her way to reach out to them, to connect with them. She wasn't just important to them, they were equally as important to her.

I still wake up daily with that feeling of dread, knowing that she is no longer in this world. It feels so surreal to me, like it's a bad dream, like one morning I will wake up and this dread will not be there. That I will open up facebook, or my texts, or call log, and see traces of her still being here. I know the reality, I experience the heart wrenching grief daily. When my dad passed away it hurt, but not on this level. My dad and I had a strained relationship at best, he had lived a lifetime. Late's life was cut so short, she never got to be a mom, she was only 32 years old and had so much life ahead of her. 

I still needed her, my sisters and brothers still needed her, her nieces and nephews, and her sweet husband still needed her. But in a moment, with no warning she was gone, she is gone and it hurts like hell. I never imagined my life without her in it. 

My dad was abusive when he was drunk, which he was much of my childhood. I remember several nights when my mom was working, my dad would terrorize us so bad that My little brother and I would get the kids downstairs because we knew he was too lazy to go down them, to keep the little ones occupied so that they would be safe, and when he would turn out the power we learned to bring flashlights. My little sister is with my dad now, and I am not there to protect her anymore.

Somehow I am still breathing, I am strong enough to pull myself together, and do the best I can to assist Hal with his grief, to help others who are grieving as well. Somehow, each day continues on. Each day has brought new challenges that have been met. My husband has been such a rock for me, he is my strength when I have felt weak. 

I don't know how people who don't believe in an afterlife cope with this kind of loss, a belief that I will be with Late again is such a strength to me. My faith in a plan larger than this life, a savior who comforts and loves me, and a heavenly father who knows me, and loves me are what moves my heavy heart forward. I love my savior and my heavenly father, and I know my little sister is in good hands, they are keeping her safe for me.

To the woman in front of me in the drive up at McDonald's....

My morning went pretty regularly, wake up get ready for work spend a few with my mom, hug my kids (who are up) and my spouse goodbye, and then head into work. I decided I needed an extra caffeine boost and went through the drive up and ordered my meal, pulled up to the window to pay and was informed that the woman in front of me had paid for my order.  I picked up said order and pulled out onto the street, and then I burst into tears. See this woman (whom I didn't know) was kind to a stranger, or what was going on in my life, or how much I needed to be reminded of the goodness left in the world, she had no idea.....

My week started out with a husband who couldn't walk, like at all. His somewhat hurt knee from the weekend got worse with time. She didn't know that I make that  same drive in tears almost daily this week. That I'm overwhelmed and prepping myself for the worst case diagnosis for the hubby's knee. This kind stranger had no clue that I am mom to four (one being special needs) and that demands more time than I have to give near about daily. She didn't know that my special needs child is adopted, and that it's her birthday on Sunday, or that birthday's aren't a day to celebrate when you were made to feel unwanted since birth, or that said child has really struggled this week, and has manifested that struggle through poor school performance, and opposition about nearly everything. This stranger didn't know that my daughter (who's birthday is Sunday) is turning 8, and that I am struggling because of the decision that my husband and I have made to postpone her baptism for now, because our daughter just isn't ready at the moment, or that an "inlaw" has expressed an very strong opinion about our decision and voiced that opinion in front of our daughter who already has issues trusting near about all of our decisions regarding her, as well as said "inlaw" completely disrespecting our parenting skills, and assuming that a lot of thought and prayer had not already been put into such a major decision. My McDonald's stranger had no idea any of these things, yet she did something kind for me. I wish I could tell her how much it meant to me. That it may seem like about 5 bucks to anyone but that to me, it was a reminder of the good in the world. Thank you McDonalds drive through stranger.

Disneyland 2015

Raising a child with a traumatic past is scary at times. We spent the past week at Disneyland and in the weeks leading up to our trip my anxiety was on HIGH alert. I was nervous the flight would trigger a bi-polar episode for my daughter, since it was the first time she's flown since she was adopted the first time (by her grannie). I was nervous about how her behavior at the parks would be with all of the lights and noise and excitement. I was nervous about her effecting the experience for my other kids, my husband and myself...I was scared.

I can honestly say we did it, it took a lot of team work from every member of our family. However, meltdowns and tantrums were kept at bay. We met her panic attacks with love and support before they got out of hand. Over all we had an amazing experience that I'll never forget.

However, something is sticking with me from our experience. As I watched my children's faces as they experienced Disneyland, I couldn't help but notice Tink's hesitance to allow herself to experience the pure joy. I wonder what was making her hesitant, I wish I could have eased the fears she didn't express. I wish I could give her back that "joy" that has been stolen from her. I can only love her and hope that eventually it's accepted enough to fill in the holes her life experience has put there.

No kid should ever go through what mine has, but I can proudly say we are doing the best we can for her. We went to disneyland....and not only survived but had fun. The photo above is Tink and Madison watching the "big parade", you can almost feel Tink's smile as the points to the Bug's life float with excitement.