2017 in review

I could say 2017 was the worst year of my entire life, but that isn't accurate or fair. In 2017 so much happened.
The year started off with Tyson getting the courage to start college for a second time. We made the decision to  have Sarah start taking the missionary discussions. I had emergency surgery to remove my gallbladder due to some horrible pain I was in for a very long time, and once I healed from the surgery I felt so much better. Sarah was baptised in February. Tyson and I celebrated our 14th year of marriage. Tyson left Discount Tire, and started a job with the Hunstman Cancer center.  My job has gone extremely well, and I feel it's been a year of making a name for myself within  the company. My kids had a fun summer swimming most of it. Madison was baptised the weekend she turned 8. Harlie got to go to her first girls camp. We had a huge Campbell family camping trip/ Family reunion. Harlie started Middle school  with honors classes. Lucas started 5th grade, Sarah started 4th and Madi 3rd.
Tyson and I bought  a brand new camping trailer, we even got it in time to take it to bear lake at the beginning of September.
September 13th my little sister passed away, while it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do,  I had the opportunity to memorialize her in both her obituary, and along side Becca at her funeral eulogy. I had the opportunity with my mom and sisters (Becca, Brittany, Steph and Taisha) to dress and help prepare her for burial. I also got to talk to my brother Michael who I haven't seen or heard from since my dad died 8 years ago. I had the opportunity to see my fractured family pull together to honor their sister and support each other.  My mom had major surgery and I got to be her person, and realize how important my role is in her life.  This year did not end amazing, quite the opposite. The past few months have been some of the hardest in my life, but I can't say they have also been very eye opening as to our support system through trial, and our resilience to continue on.  However I am hopeful 2018 will be a year of love, laughter and hope.

Loss

This photo was taken hours before my baby sister took her last breath.

I will never forget waking up in the middle of the night to take that phone call, the heartbreak and terror in my brother in law's voice as he hysterically told me Late was gone, he couldn't save her, the paramedics couldn't save her, that she had died. I will never forget the feeling of my heart breaking and struggling to catch my own breath, or the feeling of dread that my siblings and mom one by one would be experiencing that same heartbreak.

My little sister was one of a kind, she had a way of making you feel important, loved and worth while. She was an amazing sister, but she was an even more amazing aunt. My kids adored every moment spent with her. She didn't just say hi and play with them at family functions, she went out of her way to reach out to them, to connect with them. She wasn't just important to them, they were equally as important to her.

I still wake up daily with that feeling of dread, knowing that she is no longer in this world. It feels so surreal to me, like it's a bad dream, like one morning I will wake up and this dread will not be there. That I will open up facebook, or my texts, or call log, and see traces of her still being here. I know the reality, I experience the heart wrenching grief daily. When my dad passed away it hurt, but not on this level. My dad and I had a strained relationship at best, he had lived a lifetime. Late's life was cut so short, she never got to be a mom, she was only 32 years old and had so much life ahead of her. 

I still needed her, my sisters and brothers still needed her, her nieces and nephews, and her sweet husband still needed her. But in a moment, with no warning she was gone, she is gone and it hurts like hell. I never imagined my life without her in it. 

My dad was abusive when he was drunk, which he was much of my childhood. I remember several nights when my mom was working, my dad would terrorize us so bad that My little brother and I would get the kids downstairs because we knew he was too lazy to go down them, to keep the little ones occupied so that they would be safe, and when he would turn out the power we learned to bring flashlights. My little sister is with my dad now, and I am not there to protect her anymore.

Somehow I am still breathing, I am strong enough to pull myself together, and do the best I can to assist Hal with his grief, to help others who are grieving as well. Somehow, each day continues on. Each day has brought new challenges that have been met. My husband has been such a rock for me, he is my strength when I have felt weak. 

I don't know how people who don't believe in an afterlife cope with this kind of loss, a belief that I will be with Late again is such a strength to me. My faith in a plan larger than this life, a savior who comforts and loves me, and a heavenly father who knows me, and loves me are what moves my heavy heart forward. I love my savior and my heavenly father, and I know my little sister is in good hands, they are keeping her safe for me.