Loss

This photo was taken hours before my baby sister took her last breath.

I will never forget waking up in the middle of the night to take that phone call, the heartbreak and terror in my brother in law's voice as he hysterically told me Late was gone, he couldn't save her, the paramedics couldn't save her, that she had died. I will never forget the feeling of my heart breaking and struggling to catch my own breath, or the feeling of dread that my siblings and mom one by one would be experiencing that same heartbreak.

My little sister was one of a kind, she had a way of making you feel important, loved and worth while. She was an amazing sister, but she was an even more amazing aunt. My kids adored every moment spent with her. She didn't just say hi and play with them at family functions, she went out of her way to reach out to them, to connect with them. She wasn't just important to them, they were equally as important to her.

I still wake up daily with that feeling of dread, knowing that she is no longer in this world. It feels so surreal to me, like it's a bad dream, like one morning I will wake up and this dread will not be there. That I will open up facebook, or my texts, or call log, and see traces of her still being here. I know the reality, I experience the heart wrenching grief daily. When my dad passed away it hurt, but not on this level. My dad and I had a strained relationship at best, he had lived a lifetime. Late's life was cut so short, she never got to be a mom, she was only 32 years old and had so much life ahead of her. 

I still needed her, my sisters and brothers still needed her, her nieces and nephews, and her sweet husband still needed her. But in a moment, with no warning she was gone, she is gone and it hurts like hell. I never imagined my life without her in it. 

My dad was abusive when he was drunk, which he was much of my childhood. I remember several nights when my mom was working, my dad would terrorize us so bad that My little brother and I would get the kids downstairs because we knew he was too lazy to go down them, to keep the little ones occupied so that they would be safe, and when he would turn out the power we learned to bring flashlights. My little sister is with my dad now, and I am not there to protect her anymore.

Somehow I am still breathing, I am strong enough to pull myself together, and do the best I can to assist Hal with his grief, to help others who are grieving as well. Somehow, each day continues on. Each day has brought new challenges that have been met. My husband has been such a rock for me, he is my strength when I have felt weak. 

I don't know how people who don't believe in an afterlife cope with this kind of loss, a belief that I will be with Late again is such a strength to me. My faith in a plan larger than this life, a savior who comforts and loves me, and a heavenly father who knows me, and loves me are what moves my heavy heart forward. I love my savior and my heavenly father, and I know my little sister is in good hands, they are keeping her safe for me.