My Bittersweet Moment

I love respite for my rad child, and I hate it at the same time. First it is very hard for me to ask for help, I feel like my kids are my responsibility and asking for help is like saying I can't do this, and I hate feeling like I can't do something. Second, while my child is away, I wake up without the dread of getting up and facing all that I know I will be facing. See when you are raising kids from hard places, you know the day is going to be filled with button pushing, so you have to wake up with your game face on and once your feet hit the floor, your day is a tornado of emotion and stress, and constant thinking ALL DAY. Then you get into bed, and say I survived this day.  While my child is away, I realize how many resources are pooled into caring for her throughout the day. I realize that life is not meant to be survived. While I love the respite because it helps me formulate a plan and softens my game face, it also reminds me how hard my day to day is. 

See this picture?

This is what carefree looks like. These kids have a mom is usually occupied caring for their special needs sister, and doesn't have the time or energy to put something into them very often. It's sad but that is my reality. I took these three to see Frozen while Sarah was away at respite today, and I realized this was the first time my four year old has been to a movie theater she was in awe! All three of them were so happy and carefree, a far cry from the day before when the four of us sat comforting each other on the other side of the door as my special needs daughter screamed animalistic tantrums from behind the door. I love all four of my kids, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't question constantly if bringing our Rad child into our family didn't damage the three who were already in the family when she got here. I heard an LDS conference talk recently, that talked about how blessed families are of those children with special needs. I don't feel blessed all of the time, I feel tired and question the why constantly. Someday I hope to feel peace on a daily basis, and not just when we send Sarah away for the day. I am left to think about all of the chaos she creates in our family, and I hurt because I know that this is only a fraction of the chaos this poor kid has been through and cue the guilt....