I do my little dance on the tightrope, yeah the tight rope.

“You see, we cannot draw lines and compartments and refuse to budge beyond them. Sometimes you have to use your failures as stepping-stones to success. You have to maintain a fine balance between hope and despair.' He paused, considering what he had just said. 'Yes', he repeated. 'In the end, it's all a question of balance.” 
― Rohinton Mistry, A Fine Balance

Over the past few weeks we have been making the move to my mom's house, the plan is permanently so that we can help her and she can help us. This move has been a tough one, partly because when you are a family of six you accumulate a lot of stuff, partly because I am in school full time still, and a big part because when you are raising a child who has been moved, not only houses but families as well moving triggers feelings of loss and panic about what may come next. We have been dealing with that panic for one of the longest stretches of an emotional downward spiral we have experienced. We started packing about 2 months ago, so you can imagine when this cycle started. Yesterday she had a visit with her therapist and he suggested going back to the blanket boundaries until all of the boxes are out of sight in order to help her focus on a smaller more structured area....more work for me, this is exhausting because healing a traumatized child is always more work for me and I don't understand why completely because she is the one struggling, it would make sense that she should change. Now what doesn't make sense? My reasoning, that's what. I am the grown up, therefor it is my responsibility to model consistency and a regulated mood, and to add to the balancing act on the high wire....I can't react negatively to her behaviors. I know what I need to do, and sort of the why I have to do it, but it's hard and being informed only makes the understanding easier..not the doing. I am overwhelmed.

Last week I attending a "Trauma Mama" retreat from Wednesday through Sunday, it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. 25 moms (one is missing from this picture) from all over the country attended. Mom's with kids who have experienced trauma for different reasons but all have issues because of it. These were moms with different race, religion, beliefs and at different stages of healing their children, and somehow it felt like family. I have never felt understood, loved and accepted by 24 near strangers before in my life, yet these women embraced me. These faces, are the faces of the bravest most devoted and giving moms I have ever met. No one else has understood what it is like to parent a child who hates herself so much that she peels the skin off of her own body, is filled with so much pain, hurt and anger that she screams for hours (and in some cases days) because it is too much. No one else understands that in order to help our kids we have to retrain them, which means breaking old habits and building from new. How hard it is to be pouring all of our time, energy, blood, sweat and tears into a child who gives nothing but hurt in return, Or what it feels like to judged by every move you make with these kids, because what you have to do to help them heal is out of the normal realm of parenting. These women understand what it is like to love unconditionally, and to attempt like the Phoenix to raise ourselves and our children from the ashes of trauma. We are hope rising.

A Little Summer Fun

             Schools been out for awhile now and my sister in law Trish and I needed some mommy chat

time so we loaded up our kids and met up at a local splash pad. The kids had a blast! We packed a lunch and stayed for hours. We followed up with a cone from JCW's it was yummy! We love this little bunch.

Six lives...one family

It's crazy to me to think about my family and the journey we've been on for the past year of our lives. (or even the Journey Tyson and I began almost 9 years ago when we became parents when our oldest was born) Six individual people, six lives the Lord sent down to earth to be part of one family. Each person bringing something unique to the table. Tyson with his beautiful heart, willing to serve those around him, Harlie with her mothering instinct and kind nature, Lucas with his peace maker's soul, Sarah with her strength and guarded loving heart, Madison with her spunk and smile to brighten our days, and me what do I bring to this family unit? I am the mom, I am imperfect what could I possibly bring? I bring the glue to unite us together, I bring my stubbornness to not give up on things that others would have given up on long ago.

There is ONE family but there are six individuals here. No one parenting technique works on every one of my four children, sometimes a technique works once and not a second time.

Something I have noticed about having a special needs child is that everyone is a critic, there is always someone who "KNOWS IT ALL" because they think they have gone through the "exact thing" you have, has advice for you that they themselves do not follow, and there is always someone who is unwilling to ask the questions because the answers to them might be uncomfortable.

 But if you're lucky you have people in your life who just trust that you know what you are doing, or at least that you are learning. They don't try to compare "their story" with yours, they don't try to minimize your struggle they just accept that it is hard they listen when you need to let it out because your heart can't hold any more pain. They don't wait for a call from you, they make the call TO you, they text "hey girl, just thinking of you how are things?" they make an effort. They don't tell you that not talking about it is the only and best way to deal, they don't sweep it under the rug and live by the outdated military policy of "don't ask don't tell" because it makes them uncomfortable. We are lucky to have a handful of those kind of people in our lives, who help lift the burden.

We will get through this, my child will be whole someday and my family will come out of this stronger for it, I WILL keep sharing my experience, I will keep pushing forward, I will read blogs, go to the therapy sessions, read books, listen to diagnosis and doing what I am doing because I am mom, and I get to decide, no one don't gets to judge my decisions if I don't let them.

Gotcha

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day our world was turned upside down. Tink's therapist referred to it as "gotcha day".  It was a very hard day for Tink, she was dealing with a lot of loss, as I am sure that anyone would given the people she has had to let go of.
I wish I had something to post that was worth reading, but right now I feel very hopeless and negative so you get what you get.
This. Is. Hard.