To the woman in front of me in the drive up at McDonald's....

My morning went pretty regularly, wake up get ready for work spend a few with my mom, hug my kids (who are up) and my spouse goodbye, and then head into work. I decided I needed an extra caffeine boost and went through the drive up and ordered my meal, pulled up to the window to pay and was informed that the woman in front of me had paid for my order.  I picked up said order and pulled out onto the street, and then I burst into tears. See this woman (whom I didn't know) was kind to a stranger, or what was going on in my life, or how much I needed to be reminded of the goodness left in the world, she had no idea.....

My week started out with a husband who couldn't walk, like at all. His somewhat hurt knee from the weekend got worse with time. She didn't know that I make that  same drive in tears almost daily this week. That I'm overwhelmed and prepping myself for the worst case diagnosis for the hubby's knee. This kind stranger had no clue that I am mom to four (one being special needs) and that demands more time than I have to give near about daily. She didn't know that my special needs child is adopted, and that it's her birthday on Sunday, or that birthday's aren't a day to celebrate when you were made to feel unwanted since birth, or that said child has really struggled this week, and has manifested that struggle through poor school performance, and opposition about nearly everything. This stranger didn't know that my daughter (who's birthday is Sunday) is turning 8, and that I am struggling because of the decision that my husband and I have made to postpone her baptism for now, because our daughter just isn't ready at the moment, or that an "inlaw" has expressed an very strong opinion about our decision and voiced that opinion in front of our daughter who already has issues trusting near about all of our decisions regarding her, as well as said "inlaw" completely disrespecting our parenting skills, and assuming that a lot of thought and prayer had not already been put into such a major decision. My McDonald's stranger had no idea any of these things, yet she did something kind for me. I wish I could tell her how much it meant to me. That it may seem like about 5 bucks to anyone but that to me, it was a reminder of the good in the world. Thank you McDonalds drive through stranger.

Disneyland 2015

Raising a child with a traumatic past is scary at times. We spent the past week at Disneyland and in the weeks leading up to our trip my anxiety was on HIGH alert. I was nervous the flight would trigger a bi-polar episode for my daughter, since it was the first time she's flown since she was adopted the first time (by her grannie). I was nervous about how her behavior at the parks would be with all of the lights and noise and excitement. I was nervous about her effecting the experience for my other kids, my husband and myself...I was scared.

I can honestly say we did it, it took a lot of team work from every member of our family. However, meltdowns and tantrums were kept at bay. We met her panic attacks with love and support before they got out of hand. Over all we had an amazing experience that I'll never forget.

However, something is sticking with me from our experience. As I watched my children's faces as they experienced Disneyland, I couldn't help but notice Tink's hesitance to allow herself to experience the pure joy. I wonder what was making her hesitant, I wish I could have eased the fears she didn't express. I wish I could give her back that "joy" that has been stolen from her. I can only love her and hope that eventually it's accepted enough to fill in the holes her life experience has put there.

No kid should ever go through what mine has, but I can proudly say we are doing the best we can for her. We went to disneyland....and not only survived but had fun. The photo above is Tink and Madison watching the "big parade", you can almost feel Tink's smile as the points to the Bug's life float with excitement.

December 7, 2014

74 years ago today Japan bombed Pearl Harbor, and my grandpa was part of that war.
fast forward 74 years and I feel like a soldier fighting a battle of a completely different nature, but a battle no less.
This week's up's and downs were less severe with Tink. She was more stable than I've seen her in a long time. However, I don't think much attachment happened between her and I this week because it was a crazy week for me at work, and then also at home. Major things I learned this week are that I need to be grateful for the small blessings of healing glimpses. Also somehow before she returns to school in January I have got to get Think to turn in homework, she refuses. It's in her backpack but she won't turn it in.
I also learned that my oldest daughter has a very compassionate heart, she tries so hard 80% of the time with this whole situation, and I am so glad I am her mom.
My youngest Moo has been sick this week and missed most of her last week of school. I am so blessed to have my mom living under the same roof so that I can go to work and leave my sick girl at home, with full knowledge that she will be loved and taken care of.
We painted Luke's room finally, I'll be adding some hand painted Mario-themed murals soon, but that will come another day.

been a minute

It's been several months since I last blogged, there are many reasons for that but the biggest one is that I felt like people weren't receiving our story in a way that was helpful.
Screw them! This isn't a blog for warm fuzzies all the time. Our life is not warm and fuzzy, it used to be but that changed the day we put someone else's needs before our own, before we never evaluated what it might cost us and refused to pay the price.
I'm sorry my blog isn't filled with fun crafts, or outings we went on as a family, newsflash our lives aren't either.
Our lives are filled with happy moments, but our happiness comes from a child who hasn't slept more than 2-3 hours a night for 7 weeks straight sleeping a full night, then two, and more thanks to her medication, but because I choose to post the positive on Facebook, others assume everything is going great now. Here's what I'm not posting on Facebook, while our daughter is sleeping at night, her mind has been flooded with emotion her mania allowed her to power through before, she's a wreck somedays. Four hours on friday she pouted and whined with her face in the couch because she was mad I didn't give her something, she never let me know she wanted.
Our moments are filled with me hoping some day all four of my children will be able to get along and love each other. Un-teaching my youngest the RAD-like behaviors she has picked up from her sister.
Praising my oldest because she with stood the frustration it is to attempt to teach Tink something new, and helped her learn some origami. Seeing my son who has been a shadow of the boy he was 2 1/2 years ago light up because he got to spend the day 4-wheeling with is dad. I saw a glimpse of him come back and it was beautiful.

I'm not posting on Facebook about my husbands severe depression that had him questioning everything. Or my own battles with depression, because no one wants to hear it. Mental illness makes them feel uncomfortable. They would be more supportive, and more helpful if I told them I had cancer. Because to them Cancer is a real illness. Mental illness in most peoples eyes is something they need to get over, or have more faith, pray more, do more for others, read more scriptures, use this essential oil, read this book and you'll feel better. We have and we don't.
My adopted daughter now has Bi-Polar disorder, unmedicated she switches between hypomanic to manic symptoms with the once in awhile full blown psychosis, which is really really hard. In Addition to her still existing Reactive Attachment Disorder, her PTSD, and her Anxiety.
I'm not posting on Facebook how little we leave the house other than for work or school and doctors appointments. We don't take the kids to do fun things because I get so anxious about taking her anywhere. I don't have friends anymore, unless they have a child with a disorder because they understand when I tell them this is a bad day we can't come. Others have stopped inviting us, extended families don't ask us to dinner, we stay at home and survive.
We learn that some things are just not important, we are learning valuable life lessons. It's not all bad, but don't assume that because my Facebook status displays a gratitude, that our lives are any form of "normal" because they aren't.

Picture Of Self Worth

One of the things I struggle most with in the way we have to parent Sarah is how to build her self worth while teaching her that she needs to value others and be more compliant. It's a very slippery slope, and I am reassured by therapists that her self worth will come when the attachment starts getting strong. As you could imagine a child (or anyone for that matter) who is floating around in the world unattached to anyone probably wonders if it's because they are bad, or somehow cause their relationships to crumble. Sarah has basically no sense of self worth....none. Don't get me wrong she is very self-minded but that is not self worth...and having the combination of the two is very dangerous.

I have been reading about how taking pictures of your child's projects can help build their self worth. So yesterday I told Sarah it was Lego time and that I wanted her to take her time and make something she felt proud of, after working for about 20 minutes this beautiful child whom I have had to teach how to play normally lifted this little Lego tower and proudly showed me, I asked "can I take a picture of that? It looks really great and I can see how hard it was to build" her smile got bigger and I could see the glint of pride in her eyes, she then asked mom will you put my picture on your Facebook and in your diarrhea (which is her for diary and that is what she calls my blog), I smiled and said of course and let her watch my phone as I posted it. I will obviously be using this technique again in the future, as I refuse to believe that there is no way to build her self esteem before she attaches more.