"Self Care"

Tink's therapist holds me accountable for taking care of myself first throughout all of this craziness, and each week when he asks me what I did to take care of myself, I struggle to answer because I don't know how to put myself first. I am a mom of 4 kids, one of them requires extra care, and the other three get the short end of the stick and I am left trying to make up for the fact that I have nothing left to give them. In addition to this I am in school full time, and maintaining a 3.96 gpa. In addition to that I have personal responsibilities to be a good wife, to a husband who is at work five days a week from 7 am to 7:30-8:00 pm. When is this "self care" supposed to happen? The evening bed time routine is essentially the only time my three "healthy" kids get without being interrupted by a screeching, angry or pouting Tink. The therapist said that if I don't do self care he won't continue to see Tink, and we need for him to continue to treat her. I can feel when I am getting burnout that I am less patient and less of the mom this traumatized kid needs, and the best way to avoid that burnout is self care. The rules of self care are that it can't be kid related no reading books on RAD, or childhood trauma, no electronic devices and nothing school related. I don't know how to do that so I shuffle through "self care" pins on pinterest, and "me time" on the internet and I find nothing helpful, and this mama doesn't know how to do those things? So I turn to comfort food, which is probably why I have gained 25 lbs since taking on Tink. Maybe self care is a long walk by myself in the evening, or maybe it looks like 25 mins an evening on the eliptical. I don't know, I suck at this.

"Be OK"

INGRID MICHAELSON

"Be OK"

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

[CHORUS:]
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

[CHORUS]

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok

Just like any other mom and daughter in the world

"The important thing for you as a mom is to be there for your daughter, and let her know the door is always open if she wants to talk, now or in the future." Unknown Author

I saw a glimpse at who Tink is underneath all that "stuff" today, and she was amazing. We have been working really hard with boundaries and watching what we say to and around her so for the day I let her be free from the blanket (hey we all need a free day right?) partly because she has earned it and partly because I just didn't have it in me today. She was amazing! She had a genuine personality with a real smile to match, I say real smile because it was the kind that came from her heart. While I was working on homework at my mom's house, I could hear Tink starting to get worked up and instead of reminding her to settle down I asked her to bring a coloring book and crayons and come color beside me, "just me and you time?" she asked, "sort of, I still have homework to finish" I explained, but it didn't seem to matter I am wearing doterra's "balance" on my spine, wrists and heart and the scent helps me keep my emotions "balanced" but I think it and the fact that I was regulating her, so we sat there coloring and making small talk about crayons and mom's artwork on the computer, just like any other mom and daughter in the world...

My Lovlies

A friend of mine just opened up a clothing boutique and asked two of my girls to model some of the dresses...I heart my lovelies!

So do I baby, so do I

The past few days have been filled with lots of screaming, anger, sadness etc. I'm not sure what sets off a cycle like this but the past few nights Tink has been getting up and playing, well last night The hubs had lost enough sleep, he went in and got her and said cmon Tink since you don't want to sleep we're going to do chores, which was fine with her till he let her know the chore would be picking up dog poop in the back yard, this sent her screeching back to her room letting him know that she would rather go to bed the whole way there, and back out they went they spent about an hour in the freezing cold in pj's while she scooped poop. She came in and told him that he had never gave her that "worser" of a job.
Today she was filled with anger, not just the grumbly type but the resentment type, towards everyone and everything. I went in to clean her room and learned that part of the reason she is up at night is because she had a my little pony stash hidden in her heat vent. What 5 year old thinks of this? That is teenager hiding their marijuana stash level of thinking. So we cleaned her room and the more I cleaned the stranger things I was finding, I found that she had taken 4 of the nuts and washers that hold her bed together and stuffed them in and under her pillow...I am baffled at how she thinks this advanced but socially and emotionally acts so much younger than her age.
Fast forward to this evening, I felt impressed to have a heart to heart with little Tink, she just has been struggling with so much anger. I basically told her that I know that she has been hurt, and not just like a scrape or a bruise but that I can understand that it hurt to have to come and live with us and leave her old mom and dad behind, that it probably hurt when her grannie gave her to A & K, that it probably hurt to live in foster care, and by this time she was in full out real tears...and then she opened up to me about foster care for the first time since ever...she said she didn't like foster care, that the moms (she was last with a lesbian couple from what I have gathered) didn't read the scriptures or say any prayers, and that there was a bigger girl who took the toys she was playing with and the moms let the big girl. Then I let her know that I know that she thinks her bio mom and dad gave her away because she thinks she's bad. I let her know that it was their fault, not hers. She deserved to have a mom and dad and a family, and to be happy. At this point she melted into my arms and told me that she wishes she grew in my tummy, and all that I could do was hold her and cry with her comforting her with a "so do I baby, so do I".

open letter

I haven't posted as much because I have felt like things were getting too detailed here for some to be able to understand, but on the Patches Family Foundation Facebook page they posted this poem and it really hit the mark on what things have been like for us.
Dear Family and friends,
I want to take the time to share
something that may seem that I pulled from the air.
but I promise you just one thing - I promise it is true.
And I will share some more with you...... if you will just ask.
I risk the pain of rejection as you read and start to view.
My fear is condemnation as you start to see my life.
But I felt its time to share with you as I need you by my side.
I have a beautiful family of that we are all agreed.
But the thing you haven't been able to see,
is my child has special hidden needs
These needs happened because of all he has went through.
My child is victim of trauma - and it isn't caused by me.
My child experienced abuse and pain - 
All happening before age 3.
My child has Reactive Attachment Disorder 
Because of all the pain but I need to tell you something.
Its not me who should shoulder the blame.
His life is a struggle between fear and love
How can he trust after all that he's been through.
He must reject and cause me pain to keep me far away,
He lives in terror every day and his past trauma haunts his world.
He is torn inside and consumed by fear,
He works hard to protect himself year by year.
My child was abused and abandonded before he came to me.
My child experienced horror and pain before he got to age 3.
My child is hurting deep inside each and every day.
He pushes so hard to make me go away.

He cant understand the care and love I offer him each day
He only understands hurt, pain, rejection and fear.
He knows that and would prefer it to stay that way.
It seems so far less scary than love and peace could be.
He rejects and hates with a venom I could never have believed
Because of what bio mother did - he won't now be pushed around.
He rages in pain and lashes out at family,
He destroys and he steals,
He dreams of kicking me down to the ground,
But this one momma is sticking around.
My son is a tornado of hate and pain.
He rejects and he pushes because of his own pain.
Can I help put his shattered heart together again?
I sit and cry as I struggle to find these words.
Few people believe me
Few understand
Few want to help me
So many have judged me, so many have blamed.
As you sit in judgement please try to see -
I am just a mother who is as hurt as can be.
There is hope for my little guy of that I am sure
I just need some support to help me back to shore
This battle it rages every day.
Sometimes by the hour and minute of every day.
From the little requests to the seething screams of "no"
From the destruction and damage few people know.
He destroys and he hurts because that's all he knows.
He must stay in control - no matter the cost.
From every tiny little thing he must be in control.
He fights and he pushes, he hurts those who are close.
He is fighting with all he has in protecting his past hurts.
This journey is so hard.
It is riddled with hurt and pain.
It is lonely and scary
But harder when I am blamed.
I need you to help me,
I need you to see
He has been robbed of and peace and love
And holds terrible pain and anger inside.
He will never ever heal without undying love from me.
Please do not judge me,
Or think I am just being mean.
You do not see the battles
that rage deep within.
I am fighting for my child - hoping he can see
There is freedom in love - and that love starts with me.
I can't parent him like healthy kids - I need to stay in control.
How can he ever trust me if I just sit down, cry and fold?
I need to make tough decisions that you will never know
I need to help him daily - these decisions help him grow.
It really does not help him - when he can play you like a fool.
He will lie and cry to make you believe that its me I did it all.
He will tell you things about me that couldn't ever be true.
Often he's reliving his past but please take time to figure it out -
or else you have just been fooled.
I did not hurt him, I only love in hope that one day soon I can hear:
'I know what happened was so bad, but today I feel less pain'
So to my friends and family:
I want your help and support each day
because I feel so alone.
I know its so hard to understand and its hard to believe this is true.
But if you hold my hand - I will help you see and I can guide you through.
And your support and care can help me survive and help me just get through.

~E.C.

In her way

We are trying out some new parenting techniques for "attachment therapy", one of the techniques is that I give Sarah a small area near me to play and specific things to play with, much like you would a newborn child. The idea is to teach her boundaries, which she has a hard time with. Today I gave her a magna-doodle and as she was drawing I could tell that she was doing something that she wasn't supposed to be, she kept nervously glancing between me and the drawing. So I looked at it, and it was a stick figure of a person with long hair and laying down and something that looked like it was stabbed in her stomache. I asked her what she was drawing and she said, "that's you dead", so I asked her why she was drawing a picture of me dead and she said that "she was angry because she had to play there" and after talking for a minute she divulged that "she wanted mom to be dead so that she could marry dad, and be the boss of everyone in the house and have grown up shoes, and cook what she wants to eat" And I asked her if she thought that I was stopping her from having the things that she wants and she said "yes" and I said "you realize that if I weren't here you would not be part of this family" after a little more conversation and more things she was saying that I didn't want to hear I asked her to go up to her room for a little bit. I needed time to think about how to react because I was hurt that she wanted me to be dead, and that if she stayed here I would continue to reprimand her for feeling a way that I know I am not the cause of. I called my husband and he suggested I call the therapist. Sarah's therapist reminded me that it is not personal, she is angry and doesn't know how to show that in a healthy way. She sees me as the target because I am the one doing all of the work to help her to be healthy, and I am the one who cares enough to do be here to do it. So, I called her back downstairs and I told her that when she is angry it is not okay to draw pictures of mom dead, and that there are better ways to show that she is angry one of them would be to tell me that she is angry. I told her that since she thinks I am in her way of the things she wants, I want her to draw a picture of all of the things she has because I am her mom. I suggested a few things to get her started...A home, a dad, 2 sisters and a brother, a bed, blankets....she is sitting in her small play area drawing and I am scared to see what she came up with.

And she came up with nothing, 45 minutes of staring at a paper with a crayon in her hand and she could not recognize anything that I do for her. So it was on to phase two, I gave her what she wanted, she was in charge for the night. I had already put dinner in the crock pot but didn't let her know that, I told her she could not use my groceries, because someone in charge of the house has to go grocery shopping to feed their family, the other three were moving from room to room making messes and she had to clean them up, Tyson got home at about 8 that night and no one had eaten, everyone was hungry and then he talked to her and she tried to offer what food she had for dinner, which was sticks of gum from her easter basket. By the time Tyson got home she was begging not to be the mom anymore, because it is "too hard to be a mom" so true little one, so true.

How I am feeling about all of this......overwhelmed. I work so hard every single day to help her overcome the setbacks she is facing, I take her to therapy,to dr appointments, and fill prescriptions. I am the one doing all of the work to help her learn boundaries, empathy, cause and effect, how to identify her emotions. I kiss the hurts (at least the ones that she tells me about) I calm the fears, I give the hugs (almost the prescribed 12 a day), I reassure her of her worth, I am doing the work to help her to heal...And she hates me for it, and that sucks! 
It has been over a month since I have had a day off of mom duty, and I am tired, overwhelmed and discouraged. But I have faith that this time will pass, this trial will pass and that someday, this little girl will be healed, and that is why I get up everyday, put on my brave mom face, and do the work that needs to be done. 

one day at a time

While we had a very bad couple of days the week before last, the past few days have shown signs of healing in our little girl. This past week we began a form of "attachment parenting" and it is really hard because it requires all positives, no negatives, encouraging her to keep eye contact when she is speaking to us, clear consequences for decisions (good or bad) no warnings (that one is especially for me) and practicing good reactive behaviors (that one is hard for her) after about a week of this I began wondering if it was making any sort of difference, and then yesterday as we were sitting in the Neuro ICU while Tyson was in visiting his grandma, Sarah picked up my hand looked in my eyes and said "Mom, I love you and Dad the most" and my heart melted and I felt like we are definitely on the right path. We also were given another diagnosis for miss Sarah that includes another prescription, and another card stacked against this little girl. This diagnosis is a direct result of her bio moms meth use, and it hurts my heart so much to know that there are women out there that have no clue what being a mom requires, and what a blessing it is to be a mom.