In her way

We are trying out some new parenting techniques for "attachment therapy", one of the techniques is that I give Sarah a small area near me to play and specific things to play with, much like you would a newborn child. The idea is to teach her boundaries, which she has a hard time with. Today I gave her a magna-doodle and as she was drawing I could tell that she was doing something that she wasn't supposed to be, she kept nervously glancing between me and the drawing. So I looked at it, and it was a stick figure of a person with long hair and laying down and something that looked like it was stabbed in her stomache. I asked her what she was drawing and she said, "that's you dead", so I asked her why she was drawing a picture of me dead and she said that "she was angry because she had to play there" and after talking for a minute she divulged that "she wanted mom to be dead so that she could marry dad, and be the boss of everyone in the house and have grown up shoes, and cook what she wants to eat" And I asked her if she thought that I was stopping her from having the things that she wants and she said "yes" and I said "you realize that if I weren't here you would not be part of this family" after a little more conversation and more things she was saying that I didn't want to hear I asked her to go up to her room for a little bit. I needed time to think about how to react because I was hurt that she wanted me to be dead, and that if she stayed here I would continue to reprimand her for feeling a way that I know I am not the cause of. I called my husband and he suggested I call the therapist. Sarah's therapist reminded me that it is not personal, she is angry and doesn't know how to show that in a healthy way. She sees me as the target because I am the one doing all of the work to help her to be healthy, and I am the one who cares enough to do be here to do it. So, I called her back downstairs and I told her that when she is angry it is not okay to draw pictures of mom dead, and that there are better ways to show that she is angry one of them would be to tell me that she is angry. I told her that since she thinks I am in her way of the things she wants, I want her to draw a picture of all of the things she has because I am her mom. I suggested a few things to get her started...A home, a dad, 2 sisters and a brother, a bed, blankets....she is sitting in her small play area drawing and I am scared to see what she came up with.

And she came up with nothing, 45 minutes of staring at a paper with a crayon in her hand and she could not recognize anything that I do for her. So it was on to phase two, I gave her what she wanted, she was in charge for the night. I had already put dinner in the crock pot but didn't let her know that, I told her she could not use my groceries, because someone in charge of the house has to go grocery shopping to feed their family, the other three were moving from room to room making messes and she had to clean them up, Tyson got home at about 8 that night and no one had eaten, everyone was hungry and then he talked to her and she tried to offer what food she had for dinner, which was sticks of gum from her easter basket. By the time Tyson got home she was begging not to be the mom anymore, because it is "too hard to be a mom" so true little one, so true.

How I am feeling about all of this......overwhelmed. I work so hard every single day to help her overcome the setbacks she is facing, I take her to therapy,to dr appointments, and fill prescriptions. I am the one doing all of the work to help her learn boundaries, empathy, cause and effect, how to identify her emotions. I kiss the hurts (at least the ones that she tells me about) I calm the fears, I give the hugs (almost the prescribed 12 a day), I reassure her of her worth, I am doing the work to help her to heal...And she hates me for it, and that sucks! 
It has been over a month since I have had a day off of mom duty, and I am tired, overwhelmed and discouraged. But I have faith that this time will pass, this trial will pass and that someday, this little girl will be healed, and that is why I get up everyday, put on my brave mom face, and do the work that needs to be done.