open letter

I haven't posted as much because I have felt like things were getting too detailed here for some to be able to understand, but on the Patches Family Foundation Facebook page they posted this poem and it really hit the mark on what things have been like for us.
Dear Family and friends,
I want to take the time to share
something that may seem that I pulled from the air.
but I promise you just one thing - I promise it is true.
And I will share some more with you...... if you will just ask.
I risk the pain of rejection as you read and start to view.
My fear is condemnation as you start to see my life.
But I felt its time to share with you as I need you by my side.
I have a beautiful family of that we are all agreed.
But the thing you haven't been able to see,
is my child has special hidden needs
These needs happened because of all he has went through.
My child is victim of trauma - and it isn't caused by me.
My child experienced abuse and pain - 
All happening before age 3.
My child has Reactive Attachment Disorder 
Because of all the pain but I need to tell you something.
Its not me who should shoulder the blame.
His life is a struggle between fear and love
How can he trust after all that he's been through.
He must reject and cause me pain to keep me far away,
He lives in terror every day and his past trauma haunts his world.
He is torn inside and consumed by fear,
He works hard to protect himself year by year.
My child was abused and abandonded before he came to me.
My child experienced horror and pain before he got to age 3.
My child is hurting deep inside each and every day.
He pushes so hard to make me go away.

He cant understand the care and love I offer him each day
He only understands hurt, pain, rejection and fear.
He knows that and would prefer it to stay that way.
It seems so far less scary than love and peace could be.
He rejects and hates with a venom I could never have believed
Because of what bio mother did - he won't now be pushed around.
He rages in pain and lashes out at family,
He destroys and he steals,
He dreams of kicking me down to the ground,
But this one momma is sticking around.
My son is a tornado of hate and pain.
He rejects and he pushes because of his own pain.
Can I help put his shattered heart together again?
I sit and cry as I struggle to find these words.
Few people believe me
Few understand
Few want to help me
So many have judged me, so many have blamed.
As you sit in judgement please try to see -
I am just a mother who is as hurt as can be.
There is hope for my little guy of that I am sure
I just need some support to help me back to shore
This battle it rages every day.
Sometimes by the hour and minute of every day.
From the little requests to the seething screams of "no"
From the destruction and damage few people know.
He destroys and he hurts because that's all he knows.
He must stay in control - no matter the cost.
From every tiny little thing he must be in control.
He fights and he pushes, he hurts those who are close.
He is fighting with all he has in protecting his past hurts.
This journey is so hard.
It is riddled with hurt and pain.
It is lonely and scary
But harder when I am blamed.
I need you to help me,
I need you to see
He has been robbed of and peace and love
And holds terrible pain and anger inside.
He will never ever heal without undying love from me.
Please do not judge me,
Or think I am just being mean.
You do not see the battles
that rage deep within.
I am fighting for my child - hoping he can see
There is freedom in love - and that love starts with me.
I can't parent him like healthy kids - I need to stay in control.
How can he ever trust me if I just sit down, cry and fold?
I need to make tough decisions that you will never know
I need to help him daily - these decisions help him grow.
It really does not help him - when he can play you like a fool.
He will lie and cry to make you believe that its me I did it all.
He will tell you things about me that couldn't ever be true.
Often he's reliving his past but please take time to figure it out -
or else you have just been fooled.
I did not hurt him, I only love in hope that one day soon I can hear:
'I know what happened was so bad, but today I feel less pain'
So to my friends and family:
I want your help and support each day
because I feel so alone.
I know its so hard to understand and its hard to believe this is true.
But if you hold my hand - I will help you see and I can guide you through.
And your support and care can help me survive and help me just get through.

~E.C.