The end of a school year

While this school year has been one of the hardest on my 2 oldest, they have done amazing! H scored in the High range in all areas of the NWEA testing. LJ scored in the high to average range on all of his areas of the NWEA testing. H is now officially no longer a second grader and LJ is officially done with Kindergarten.
It has been amazing watching these two grow, they both love to read and that makes me so happy!
We have our challenges but I would suck if I didn't stop and recognize our accomplishments. I have maintained the presidents list for almost 3 years in school and have a little less than a year before I graduate with my Bachelors degree. We can do hard things....we just can't do them alone.

Enter The Silence

               It is amazing how much you learn about people by how they respond to a crisis. Some jump right into action, willing to do the work that needs to be done. Some sit in silence in disbelief that what is happening could really be happening, hoping that if they just ignore the problem it will go away. Some sit in anger, anger that they can't control what is happening and anger that they have to deal with it at all. I thought that I knew the people around us, thought that I had a pretty good grasp on their personalities, but I have been shocked by the extent some will go to ignoring the crisis. It really is heartbreaking.

Respite

Today I was the kind of mom I never wanted to be, today I added more trauma to an already trauma filled little soul. For a couple weeks now little Tink has been stuck in a cycle. A sleepless nights, defiant, angry hurt filled cycle. I had asked another RAD mom about respite and had lined it up for this weekend but this morning it was an emergency type situation.
After telling my husband about my feelings of being trapped in my worst nightmare, about my only option to not be Tinks mom, to not have her tearing my heart apart constantly. He suggested that he stay at home and I work once I graduate in April next year...I explained that I didn't think I would last that long. Some arguing happened, some things were said. And this morning was even worse, awkward silence more coldness on my part, and off he escaped to work leaving me to live in my own little hell with little Tink and my other 3 munchkins. And then SNAP I went, and not long after he called, and then arranged emergency respite, as I packed little Tink a bag, I explained to her that how she treats me hurts my heart, makes me sad and this morning I was not a very good mom, I don't like to feel that angry and so for a couple days she will be staying with a friend of mom's, and when I feel strong enough I will come and get her. She cried, I cried and I drove her in silence, dropped her off and signed I love you as I drove away without much said.
I came home, and there it was...the peace I had been longing for the past year almost. It once again felt like MY home, I felt like me. I snuggled my littlest girl and have spent the afternoon with my 3 munchkins in an emotional state I haven't been in for awhile...I think it's called relaxed?

I'm not sure what bringing Tink home looks like, or if this break will have an effect on her as well but with the respite provided I feel that I will be reset and ready to get back to doing what needs to be done for her.

The Bridge of Suffering

This is a story I found from this Source 

"Because a very wise woman once told me that experiencing suffering on a huge level, the level that RAD families experience it, is like a suspension bridge. It is a long, treacherous bridge made out of rope and old wood. It looks rickety — and it is.

The human being is born on one side of that bridge with the rest of humanity. Life is good on that side. The people there are joyous. They laugh, they play, they dance. All is well on that side of the bridge.

You go on about your business and never notice that there’s even a bridge.

Until…. some point in your life, you happen to glance over while you’re dancing, and you see the bridge. Something compels you, maybe even propels you, to cross it. You tiptoe over each thin board and hope against hope that each one holds your weight. Your knuckles turn white from gripping the rope for dear life. Will you even make it to the other side?

If you do, you are both blessed and cursed all at once. What you find on that side is something you never expected.You find suffering. Suffering on a huge, catastrophic level. The level of shear horror. Because you suddenly realize the pain that your child feels. And not only that, but also that it’s not just your child. It’s all the children who lost their birth families. It’s all the children whose mother’s were on drugs. It’s all the families that took in those children. It’s hundreds, thousands, millions of hurting children and families suffering the same pain. They are all out there somewhere and they all have lived through things a normal person would find unimaginable.

For so long you didn’t even know that side existed. But now you are all too aware. And now you are facing extremely intense emotions that you never even knew were in you, that you didn’t know were in anybody.

On the suffering side of the bridge, you are lonely, afraid, utterly, utterly sad. The thoughts you face on that side of the bridge are completely mortifying. At times you are completely consumed, even paralyzed, by pain. All you want to do is close your eyes and run back across those rickety boards to the other side — where people are still laughing and dancing and carrying on.

That is the bridge of suffering. That is the bridge of Attachment Disorder.

The problem is, it’s not until you cross it, that you realize it’s one-way. You can never go back to the life you had before, to who you were before. You can never go back to NOT knowing.

This is the reality that many adoptive and foster families struggle through and endure every single day with their children. And what they learn over time is that the only way to survive that side of the bridge is by not trying to survive it alone."

Inspired Light

I needed this talk today! Thank you to my visiting teachers.

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/the-hope-of-gods-light?lang=eng

The presentation

"For too long we have swept the problems of mental illness under the carpet... and hoped that they would go away."Richard J. Codey

Max gave our family his presentation on Reactive Attachment Disorder on Saturday, I was scared people were going to get up and walk out, or tell him off but none of that happened thank heavens.
From my view most accepted the information and wanted to know what they could do to help, some were upset because they felt like Max wasn't qualified to know what he did, or that his guest speaker Jodi (a mom who has gone through it) somehow shouldn't talk because she wasn't able to heal her own child. One of the greatest advocates in the church for families and for marriage has NEVER been married. Sherri Dew gives seminars on marriage and family relationships as well as other topics, and she knows her stuff because the Lord saw something in her that he knew she would be receptive of the information and be able to share it.
I get that no one (including me) wants to know that this disorder exists, because it forces you to acknowledge the awful part of human nature. For too long Mental illness has been brushed aside because it makes people uncomfortable and they don't want to talk about it. It is REAL it exists and I am fighting it every day. There is no amount of love that will be enough to fix Tinks hurt, until she learns to recognize that love is not poison. She has to learn what love is before she can accept the love I have for her. I am not doing something wrong! I am doing everything I can to help her heal, so that she can accept love.

 

The Life of Pi

Our lesson in Sunday School today was on faith, it was a beautiful lesson and it was exactly what I needed. Our teacher talked about how much of society needs tangible evidence, meaning they can see or hear what they would consider "proof" of God's existence. I think some things are just so hard to emotionally handle that some would just rather pretend they don't exist. Our teacher talked about the movie The Life of Pi, I have not seen this movie yet but he explained it like this...There was a writer who was looking for a good story, someone had said if you want a good story talk to this man, the man was Pi, he talked about how he was on a boat with all of these animals, ie a tiger, a baboon, etc and how he was in a life boat and how some animals started turning on each other and killed each other and how he and this tiger were enemies but ended up being friends to an extent, then Pi went on to tell the same story about he and other people being stranded on this boat, and how people turned on each other and killed each other, and the reporter asked him which story were true? and Pi said that depended on which story the reporter wanted to believe, and so it is with God.
This story struck me because before we took Tink in we never knew this much hurt could exist, how truly terrible parents can hurt their own flesh and blood, it would be easier to continue through life believing that kids don't behave this way when they are hurt and traumatized, but the we know and we have experienced the truth and while it's not the easiest to believe or accept, it still is what it is.

Mother's day

I had read that Mother's day and mom's birthday are tough events for kids like my Tink, I had heard but no one warned me exactly how hard it would be for her.
For a kid who has never had a consistent mom in their life "mother's day" is to them as Christmas is to an atheist. A holiday for someone who you don't believe in, the whole day feels silly. You hear other people thanking mom for all that she does, and it makes you cringe inside. Mom's are there to tell you what to do, and to leave that's it. At least that's what I think has been going through Tink's head.
Heartbreaking, for several months but specifically the past 2 I have pushed through so much and today, I let her get under my skin, and no one was doing any winning and I snapped.
I lose, she loses.
After a call with Max I found that the days after the first few mothers day's are generally bad, and they were/are. Too much stimulation, confusion and emotion for one very hurt kid.

Questions on my mind:
I love her, why is that never enough?
Why can't I get through to her?
When will I feel a sense of peace return to my home?

And for today, it is what it is and I am still here...I am still here.

The ChaCha

We've been doing a lot of 3 steps forward 2 steps back recently, but for the most part progress is still progress. Mr Max did a compliance test to see where Tink is at right now. This test consisted of a box of toys with 9 instruction cards, he had his back to us but was listening. I had to go in order and they were things like Play with these two stuffed animals together, build something with the blocks and then give her the same blocks to copy what you built,  put lotion on each others hands etc. He said he still see's her struggling to control but that he also see's a lot of progress. Compliance builds respect which builds trust which leads to attachment, and more of a future for Tink, but also less of a happy childhood she has taken away from her. My mom told me the other day that it seem's as though we almost have to tear her down so to speak in order to put things back together in the right way. I agree, I have had to become a type of mom I didn't want to be, in order to be what Tink needs to heal. In the end I know where we are going with her is the best and only way really that she gets a chance. It isn't easy, it isn't fun, but it will be worth it.

Trauma

Last night for the 7th night in a row, Tink went to bed screaming, shouting the most awful things about us, and about herself. She was yelling things like that "nobody should love a stupid mean rotten child" and that she will never make good choices for us because we are "big meanie mom and dad's" and that no one cares about her, no one wants to love her, that no one hugs her (which isn't true because I am doing Nancy Thomas' prescribed 12 hugs a day and doing snuggle time with her on my lap at least daily). Last night my heart couldn't handle the pain anymore, as I sat out on my porch in the rain crying and asking the lord why he would ask this of us, and why he would allow a child to have so much hurt, I realized I wasn't hurt because she was saying mean things, I was hurting because of the pain I could feel in her voice, she wasn't just saying mean things because she was mad, she has been letting out the hurt that she has had trapped deep within her soul her whole entire life. And as hard as it was to listen to, I am so glad that we let her get it out un-interrupted.
Each day that we have had her off of the afternoon dose of the adhd medication I have seen her struggle, but not with hyperactivity more with emotions. I think the adhd medication just made her numb. Each day the mornings are great but then she spirals down in the afternoon, and we end up putting a screaming Tink to bed. My heart is heavy for her, my soul aches for her. I wish that I could take it on myself for her. I long for the day she is free from all of this pain, so that she knows her value and so that she sees "what heaven sees" in her. I have been singing her that song from mindy gledhill during our snuggle time and pointing to her chest when it talks about how "heavenly father knows all that you can do, and you will too if you have eyes to see, what heaven sees in you" and she looks into my eyes and acts like she understand and smiles up at me, but then at night the hurt takes back over and she can't function and she is yelling about what an "idiot" she thinks she is. I asked Max where she has heard all of these horrible things she has been saying because I don't talk like that to my kids, and he suggested that she has picked them up because she is hyper vigilant, she soaks in vocabulary from tv, movies, other people around her she is stock piling language, because she is listening for the next thing to come that is going to hurt her, in her mind it will happen.

My other kids are struggling, how can they not all of the peace that was once in our home is gone?  In it's place is contention, rage, anger and hurt. The mom they once knew no longer exists, instead I am tired, sad, focused on helping Tink, or anticipating her next melt down so that I will be able to calmly handle it so that she learns to trust me. Every one of my children has suffered abuse from Tink, my youngest, M has suffered pysical and emotional abuse, my middle has been suffered inappropriate touch that has made him both upset and uncomfortable in addition to emotional abuse. My oldest as had her stuff stolen, and has suffered the same emotional abuse. All 3 of them have had favorite and brand new toys ripped or broken by her. And all three of them can see how upset by it their parents are. Some would be asking right now "then why don't you give her up?" I don't give her up because the Lord asked us to take care of her, and to help her heal. She is ours, would they give away their own flesh and blood because they had Autism? This disorder was caused by people not meeting her needs, I will not add to that. I trust that heavenly father will support us through this, he will help mend this broken child's heart.

An extended family filled weekend

On Saturday we had the amazing opportunity to watch a young man become the newest member of the church, to start on a path of being the hands of his heavenly father, our handsome nephew Garrett was baptized and received the holy ghost. I remember the day that those things happened for me in my life and what an impact being a member of his church has had, and I am so proud of this boy for choosing to be baptized and for his sweet calming spirit. I felt the spirit so strongly during the service and I love the Lord for sending it down to be with Garrett, his family and friends.

On Sunday (yesterday) we saw my new beautiful niece receive one of the tender blessings from the lord delivered through her daddy. As I sat waiting for the meeting to start I was reading conference talks and praying throughout the morning. Again from the blessing for this tiny baby the spirit in the chapel was so strong.

Both of these events were amazing and I feel so blessed to have been a witness to them, and to know the little people that they were for.
Afterwards we spent the evening with my amazing mama. It never matters what is happening she always makes me feel wanted and loved. When I call her crying  that I can't do this she nudges me gently forward. I don't know many people who are so willing to jump in and help but I am so grateful one of them is my mom.

Being a member of this church is what is fueling me on the journey that my family is on right now. The knowledge that this life is temporary, that the Lord love us and wants the best for us has made lifted the burden, I am a witness to miracles from my heavenly father and I am so grateful for his love. 

Positive lessons this past year is teaching me

I hate to post another thing I found on this site but E.C. over at the Patches Family Foundation seems to nail how I feel every time.
The positive lessons from RAD.
(from the patches family foundation)
Positive??? Yes! Positive.......

- I am no longer judgemental towards other parents struggling with a naughty child.

- I probably know more about attachment than 90% of professionals!

- I can share attachment advice to the new parents I work with to help prevent RAD.

- I have learned what it takes to truly love someone when you least feel the mushy feelings.

- I have learned I am not the person I used to be....as the trials have matured me.

- I have become more skilled in spotting issues in others quickly.

- I have learned the true value of peace and quiet.

- I have become strong trough the trials I have endured.

- I have been weak through the trials I have endured.

- I have learned there are no quick fix answers in life.

- I have learned that some people don't want to learn.

- I have learned that some people do want to learn.

- I have learned that it does not matter what others think of me.

- I have learned my well being does not need other people's approval.

- I have learned it ONLY matters what God thinks of me.

- I have learned I was hand picked by God above and been called to love the sick, poor and needy in every sense of the word.

- I have learned I am not alone.

- I have met some amazing warriors all over the world also walking the same hard road.

- I have learned I am also a survivor.

- I have become softer and more mature in my outlook on life.

- I have become more understanding of the complex issues of parents able to hurt their own children.

- I have learned what true forgiveness really means (and takes).

- I have learned what it means to offer selfless love to another.

- I have delighted in the small positive steps.

- I have learned it takes truly special parents to love hurting kids.

- I have learned life is not always easy.

- I have learned I can deal with rejection and still keep on loving.

- I have learned trust in God above to heal my son.

- I have learned trust in God above to heal my wounds too.

- I have seen the miracles of hurting, damaged kids become healed, productive adults.

- I have learned the value of true friendship.

- I have learned that my experience allows me to reach out to other hurting kids and families.

- I have had more qualifications in my home than from any university.

- I have learned to dance in the rain.

- most importantly I have met amazing parents and survivors who I share a special and unbreakable bond with that few would ever understand.

- I am honoured and privileged I have met truly amazing others who do not get the credit they are due.

- I am blessed to know you all - each and every one of you ❤
-E.C.

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Smelling the color 9

"Trying to understand the behavior of some
people is like trying to smell the color 9" 

A couple of days ago Tink was upset because I used my "mary poppins" voice all day, didn't respond when she purposely pushed toys to the edge of her blanket and watched to see my reaction, when I didn't react she got angrier and angrier. Finally I gave her a big hug and asked her why she was so angry, to which she responded "because you won't let me push your buttons and that is making me mad!" I said so you're mad because I am not mad? "Then she said no because you're not getting angry" Um oooooh. I told her that I didn't "feel like being angry" and then she argued "yes you are angry"I laughed it off and continued working on my computer. Then out of nowhere she said "If Madi were died, that would make you angry" and I said "no, just sad" which made me feel very grateful that Madi is no longer sleeping in the same room with her. YIKES.