Trauma

Last night for the 7th night in a row, Tink went to bed screaming, shouting the most awful things about us, and about herself. She was yelling things like that "nobody should love a stupid mean rotten child" and that she will never make good choices for us because we are "big meanie mom and dad's" and that no one cares about her, no one wants to love her, that no one hugs her (which isn't true because I am doing Nancy Thomas' prescribed 12 hugs a day and doing snuggle time with her on my lap at least daily). Last night my heart couldn't handle the pain anymore, as I sat out on my porch in the rain crying and asking the lord why he would ask this of us, and why he would allow a child to have so much hurt, I realized I wasn't hurt because she was saying mean things, I was hurting because of the pain I could feel in her voice, she wasn't just saying mean things because she was mad, she has been letting out the hurt that she has had trapped deep within her soul her whole entire life. And as hard as it was to listen to, I am so glad that we let her get it out un-interrupted.
Each day that we have had her off of the afternoon dose of the adhd medication I have seen her struggle, but not with hyperactivity more with emotions. I think the adhd medication just made her numb. Each day the mornings are great but then she spirals down in the afternoon, and we end up putting a screaming Tink to bed. My heart is heavy for her, my soul aches for her. I wish that I could take it on myself for her. I long for the day she is free from all of this pain, so that she knows her value and so that she sees "what heaven sees" in her. I have been singing her that song from mindy gledhill during our snuggle time and pointing to her chest when it talks about how "heavenly father knows all that you can do, and you will too if you have eyes to see, what heaven sees in you" and she looks into my eyes and acts like she understand and smiles up at me, but then at night the hurt takes back over and she can't function and she is yelling about what an "idiot" she thinks she is. I asked Max where she has heard all of these horrible things she has been saying because I don't talk like that to my kids, and he suggested that she has picked them up because she is hyper vigilant, she soaks in vocabulary from tv, movies, other people around her she is stock piling language, because she is listening for the next thing to come that is going to hurt her, in her mind it will happen.

My other kids are struggling, how can they not all of the peace that was once in our home is gone?  In it's place is contention, rage, anger and hurt. The mom they once knew no longer exists, instead I am tired, sad, focused on helping Tink, or anticipating her next melt down so that I will be able to calmly handle it so that she learns to trust me. Every one of my children has suffered abuse from Tink, my youngest, M has suffered pysical and emotional abuse, my middle has been suffered inappropriate touch that has made him both upset and uncomfortable in addition to emotional abuse. My oldest as had her stuff stolen, and has suffered the same emotional abuse. All 3 of them have had favorite and brand new toys ripped or broken by her. And all three of them can see how upset by it their parents are. Some would be asking right now "then why don't you give her up?" I don't give her up because the Lord asked us to take care of her, and to help her heal. She is ours, would they give away their own flesh and blood because they had Autism? This disorder was caused by people not meeting her needs, I will not add to that. I trust that heavenly father will support us through this, he will help mend this broken child's heart.