Respite

Today I was the kind of mom I never wanted to be, today I added more trauma to an already trauma filled little soul. For a couple weeks now little Tink has been stuck in a cycle. A sleepless nights, defiant, angry hurt filled cycle. I had asked another RAD mom about respite and had lined it up for this weekend but this morning it was an emergency type situation.
After telling my husband about my feelings of being trapped in my worst nightmare, about my only option to not be Tinks mom, to not have her tearing my heart apart constantly. He suggested that he stay at home and I work once I graduate in April next year...I explained that I didn't think I would last that long. Some arguing happened, some things were said. And this morning was even worse, awkward silence more coldness on my part, and off he escaped to work leaving me to live in my own little hell with little Tink and my other 3 munchkins. And then SNAP I went, and not long after he called, and then arranged emergency respite, as I packed little Tink a bag, I explained to her that how she treats me hurts my heart, makes me sad and this morning I was not a very good mom, I don't like to feel that angry and so for a couple days she will be staying with a friend of mom's, and when I feel strong enough I will come and get her. She cried, I cried and I drove her in silence, dropped her off and signed I love you as I drove away without much said.
I came home, and there it was...the peace I had been longing for the past year almost. It once again felt like MY home, I felt like me. I snuggled my littlest girl and have spent the afternoon with my 3 munchkins in an emotional state I haven't been in for awhile...I think it's called relaxed?

I'm not sure what bringing Tink home looks like, or if this break will have an effect on her as well but with the respite provided I feel that I will be reset and ready to get back to doing what needs to be done for her.