Silver Linings Amid Chaos

At times the corona-virus and the "stay safe stay home" order placed on us by our Governor seems to have taken away all of our freedoms. I work full time as a Graphic Designer in a beautiful BRAND NEW office. I love the interaction with the people I work with and for.
About four weeks ago I made the decision that I would need to work from home if the schools shifted to at home learning for the time being - Which did happen, and luckily my boss was very understanding once I called him and let him know of the struggles we were facing as a family in addition to the ones the world was now facing.

Amid all of that chaos, first my two oldest kids having to accept that their band concert was canceled, then restriction on gatherings causing our church services to be shut down, we had to send our daughter to the juvenile receiving center for a few days, because she was unmanageable and Tyson and I were at our wits end.

 My daughter who has BiPolar disorder type I, ODD, Reactive attachment disorder and ADHD and severe anxiety had been struggling since the beginning of the year, really since November of last year. She has snapped and physically hurt others at school, lost recess privileges, had these huge emotional outbursts, run away several times, was generally defiant, angry and unhappy, and dangerous. Our girl had a huge growth spurt and several hormonal changes and had just recently had her medication adjusted - but the medication takes several weeks before it levels out her mania - and had begun hearing things about the pandemic at school about school being shut down, the concert for her siblings had been canceled, and then the final straw for her was church being canceled. Seeing her that mentally unstable was something I will likely never forget, it was like I was looking at my kid, but someone or something else was looking back at me, and it hated her dad and me fiercely.

We made the decision that she was safer in a facility that had a kind of safety we could not provide. Safety from herself, but also safety for the other members of her family that were already in turmoil.
It was one of the hardest decisions we've had to make, and it was only 72 hours (which ended up being slightly fewer) but those couple of days gave us all a chance to step back and get hold of the situation in our home, while the situation in the world was getting worse.

When Sarah came home she expected to be able to return to school the next day, only to find out that school was now online, but her attitude had  shifted so something that would have normally caused a lot of panic was manageable. Online school began on the same Wednesday that we woke up to a 5.7 earthquake and several large aftershocks. Okay, I needed help, and I needed it from someone who knew me and my daughter better than anyone if we were going to get through this next little bit called "social distancing".  At this point I went to my room, I knelt down and I asked my Heavenly Father to please help me with my daughter, there was more to this prayer but I will spare those details. What I can say is that when I opened my eyes, tears streamed down my face and I knew he heard me, and that help was on it's way. That I had a Heavenly Father that valued my concern, and loved me and my family, and especially my girl.

This past 28 days has been hard, but the silver lining is that I have learned so much about my girl. Before this epidemic she was so unstable that her Psychiatrist, and her therapist recommended that  I could not send her to her church activities, because small things would make her snap. I have had the past almost month to help her learn how to identify where the anger starts and sometimes she is able to control it. Tyson and I would not have been able to help our girl free from others  who's "help" was making her sicker. I feel so much better about where Sarah is now as opposed to where she was. I know that part of it is due to the medication regulating her racing mind, but I also know that Heavenly Father has also had his hand in helping her, and I am so grateful he heard and answered my prayer.

2017 in review

I could say 2017 was the worst year of my entire life, but that isn't accurate or fair. In 2017 so much happened.
The year started off with Tyson getting the courage to start college for a second time. We made the decision to  have Sarah start taking the missionary discussions. I had emergency surgery to remove my gallbladder due to some horrible pain I was in for a very long time, and once I healed from the surgery I felt so much better. Sarah was baptised in February. Tyson and I celebrated our 14th year of marriage. Tyson left Discount Tire, and started a job with the Hunstman Cancer center.  My job has gone extremely well, and I feel it's been a year of making a name for myself within  the company. My kids had a fun summer swimming most of it. Madison was baptised the weekend she turned 8. Harlie got to go to her first girls camp. We had a huge Campbell family camping trip/ Family reunion. Harlie started Middle school  with honors classes. Lucas started 5th grade, Sarah started 4th and Madi 3rd.
Tyson and I bought  a brand new camping trailer, we even got it in time to take it to bear lake at the beginning of September.
September 13th my little sister passed away, while it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do,  I had the opportunity to memorialize her in both her obituary, and along side Becca at her funeral eulogy. I had the opportunity with my mom and sisters (Becca, Brittany, Steph and Taisha) to dress and help prepare her for burial. I also got to talk to my brother Michael who I haven't seen or heard from since my dad died 8 years ago. I had the opportunity to see my fractured family pull together to honor their sister and support each other.  My mom had major surgery and I got to be her person, and realize how important my role is in her life.  This year did not end amazing, quite the opposite. The past few months have been some of the hardest in my life, but I can't say they have also been very eye opening as to our support system through trial, and our resilience to continue on.  However I am hopeful 2018 will be a year of love, laughter and hope.

Loss

This photo was taken hours before my baby sister took her last breath.

I will never forget waking up in the middle of the night to take that phone call, the heartbreak and terror in my brother in law's voice as he hysterically told me Late was gone, he couldn't save her, the paramedics couldn't save her, that she had died. I will never forget the feeling of my heart breaking and struggling to catch my own breath, or the feeling of dread that my siblings and mom one by one would be experiencing that same heartbreak.

My little sister was one of a kind, she had a way of making you feel important, loved and worth while. She was an amazing sister, but she was an even more amazing aunt. My kids adored every moment spent with her. She didn't just say hi and play with them at family functions, she went out of her way to reach out to them, to connect with them. She wasn't just important to them, they were equally as important to her.

I still wake up daily with that feeling of dread, knowing that she is no longer in this world. It feels so surreal to me, like it's a bad dream, like one morning I will wake up and this dread will not be there. That I will open up facebook, or my texts, or call log, and see traces of her still being here. I know the reality, I experience the heart wrenching grief daily. When my dad passed away it hurt, but not on this level. My dad and I had a strained relationship at best, he had lived a lifetime. Late's life was cut so short, she never got to be a mom, she was only 32 years old and had so much life ahead of her. 

I still needed her, my sisters and brothers still needed her, her nieces and nephews, and her sweet husband still needed her. But in a moment, with no warning she was gone, she is gone and it hurts like hell. I never imagined my life without her in it. 

My dad was abusive when he was drunk, which he was much of my childhood. I remember several nights when my mom was working, my dad would terrorize us so bad that My little brother and I would get the kids downstairs because we knew he was too lazy to go down them, to keep the little ones occupied so that they would be safe, and when he would turn out the power we learned to bring flashlights. My little sister is with my dad now, and I am not there to protect her anymore.

Somehow I am still breathing, I am strong enough to pull myself together, and do the best I can to assist Hal with his grief, to help others who are grieving as well. Somehow, each day continues on. Each day has brought new challenges that have been met. My husband has been such a rock for me, he is my strength when I have felt weak. 

I don't know how people who don't believe in an afterlife cope with this kind of loss, a belief that I will be with Late again is such a strength to me. My faith in a plan larger than this life, a savior who comforts and loves me, and a heavenly father who knows me, and loves me are what moves my heavy heart forward. I love my savior and my heavenly father, and I know my little sister is in good hands, they are keeping her safe for me.

To the woman in front of me in the drive up at McDonald's....

My morning went pretty regularly, wake up get ready for work spend a few with my mom, hug my kids (who are up) and my spouse goodbye, and then head into work. I decided I needed an extra caffeine boost and went through the drive up and ordered my meal, pulled up to the window to pay and was informed that the woman in front of me had paid for my order.  I picked up said order and pulled out onto the street, and then I burst into tears. See this woman (whom I didn't know) was kind to a stranger, or what was going on in my life, or how much I needed to be reminded of the goodness left in the world, she had no idea.....

My week started out with a husband who couldn't walk, like at all. His somewhat hurt knee from the weekend got worse with time. She didn't know that I make that  same drive in tears almost daily this week. That I'm overwhelmed and prepping myself for the worst case diagnosis for the hubby's knee. This kind stranger had no clue that I am mom to four (one being special needs) and that demands more time than I have to give near about daily. She didn't know that my special needs child is adopted, and that it's her birthday on Sunday, or that birthday's aren't a day to celebrate when you were made to feel unwanted since birth, or that said child has really struggled this week, and has manifested that struggle through poor school performance, and opposition about nearly everything. This stranger didn't know that my daughter (who's birthday is Sunday) is turning 8, and that I am struggling because of the decision that my husband and I have made to postpone her baptism for now, because our daughter just isn't ready at the moment, or that an "inlaw" has expressed an very strong opinion about our decision and voiced that opinion in front of our daughter who already has issues trusting near about all of our decisions regarding her, as well as said "inlaw" completely disrespecting our parenting skills, and assuming that a lot of thought and prayer had not already been put into such a major decision. My McDonald's stranger had no idea any of these things, yet she did something kind for me. I wish I could tell her how much it meant to me. That it may seem like about 5 bucks to anyone but that to me, it was a reminder of the good in the world. Thank you McDonalds drive through stranger.

Disneyland 2015

Raising a child with a traumatic past is scary at times. We spent the past week at Disneyland and in the weeks leading up to our trip my anxiety was on HIGH alert. I was nervous the flight would trigger a bi-polar episode for my daughter, since it was the first time she's flown since she was adopted the first time (by her grannie). I was nervous about how her behavior at the parks would be with all of the lights and noise and excitement. I was nervous about her effecting the experience for my other kids, my husband and myself...I was scared.

I can honestly say we did it, it took a lot of team work from every member of our family. However, meltdowns and tantrums were kept at bay. We met her panic attacks with love and support before they got out of hand. Over all we had an amazing experience that I'll never forget.

However, something is sticking with me from our experience. As I watched my children's faces as they experienced Disneyland, I couldn't help but notice Tink's hesitance to allow herself to experience the pure joy. I wonder what was making her hesitant, I wish I could have eased the fears she didn't express. I wish I could give her back that "joy" that has been stolen from her. I can only love her and hope that eventually it's accepted enough to fill in the holes her life experience has put there.

No kid should ever go through what mine has, but I can proudly say we are doing the best we can for her. We went to disneyland....and not only survived but had fun. The photo above is Tink and Madison watching the "big parade", you can almost feel Tink's smile as the points to the Bug's life float with excitement.

December 7, 2014

74 years ago today Japan bombed Pearl Harbor, and my grandpa was part of that war.
fast forward 74 years and I feel like a soldier fighting a battle of a completely different nature, but a battle no less.
This week's up's and downs were less severe with Tink. She was more stable than I've seen her in a long time. However, I don't think much attachment happened between her and I this week because it was a crazy week for me at work, and then also at home. Major things I learned this week are that I need to be grateful for the small blessings of healing glimpses. Also somehow before she returns to school in January I have got to get Think to turn in homework, she refuses. It's in her backpack but she won't turn it in.
I also learned that my oldest daughter has a very compassionate heart, she tries so hard 80% of the time with this whole situation, and I am so glad I am her mom.
My youngest Moo has been sick this week and missed most of her last week of school. I am so blessed to have my mom living under the same roof so that I can go to work and leave my sick girl at home, with full knowledge that she will be loved and taken care of.
We painted Luke's room finally, I'll be adding some hand painted Mario-themed murals soon, but that will come another day.

been a minute

It's been several months since I last blogged, there are many reasons for that but the biggest one is that I felt like people weren't receiving our story in a way that was helpful.
Screw them! This isn't a blog for warm fuzzies all the time. Our life is not warm and fuzzy, it used to be but that changed the day we put someone else's needs before our own, before we never evaluated what it might cost us and refused to pay the price.
I'm sorry my blog isn't filled with fun crafts, or outings we went on as a family, newsflash our lives aren't either.
Our lives are filled with happy moments, but our happiness comes from a child who hasn't slept more than 2-3 hours a night for 7 weeks straight sleeping a full night, then two, and more thanks to her medication, but because I choose to post the positive on Facebook, others assume everything is going great now. Here's what I'm not posting on Facebook, while our daughter is sleeping at night, her mind has been flooded with emotion her mania allowed her to power through before, she's a wreck somedays. Four hours on friday she pouted and whined with her face in the couch because she was mad I didn't give her something, she never let me know she wanted.
Our moments are filled with me hoping some day all four of my children will be able to get along and love each other. Un-teaching my youngest the RAD-like behaviors she has picked up from her sister.
Praising my oldest because she with stood the frustration it is to attempt to teach Tink something new, and helped her learn some origami. Seeing my son who has been a shadow of the boy he was 2 1/2 years ago light up because he got to spend the day 4-wheeling with is dad. I saw a glimpse of him come back and it was beautiful.

I'm not posting on Facebook about my husbands severe depression that had him questioning everything. Or my own battles with depression, because no one wants to hear it. Mental illness makes them feel uncomfortable. They would be more supportive, and more helpful if I told them I had cancer. Because to them Cancer is a real illness. Mental illness in most peoples eyes is something they need to get over, or have more faith, pray more, do more for others, read more scriptures, use this essential oil, read this book and you'll feel better. We have and we don't.
My adopted daughter now has Bi-Polar disorder, unmedicated she switches between hypomanic to manic symptoms with the once in awhile full blown psychosis, which is really really hard. In Addition to her still existing Reactive Attachment Disorder, her PTSD, and her Anxiety.
I'm not posting on Facebook how little we leave the house other than for work or school and doctors appointments. We don't take the kids to do fun things because I get so anxious about taking her anywhere. I don't have friends anymore, unless they have a child with a disorder because they understand when I tell them this is a bad day we can't come. Others have stopped inviting us, extended families don't ask us to dinner, we stay at home and survive.
We learn that some things are just not important, we are learning valuable life lessons. It's not all bad, but don't assume that because my Facebook status displays a gratitude, that our lives are any form of "normal" because they aren't.

Picture Of Self Worth

One of the things I struggle most with in the way we have to parent Sarah is how to build her self worth while teaching her that she needs to value others and be more compliant. It's a very slippery slope, and I am reassured by therapists that her self worth will come when the attachment starts getting strong. As you could imagine a child (or anyone for that matter) who is floating around in the world unattached to anyone probably wonders if it's because they are bad, or somehow cause their relationships to crumble. Sarah has basically no sense of self worth....none. Don't get me wrong she is very self-minded but that is not self worth...and having the combination of the two is very dangerous.

I have been reading about how taking pictures of your child's projects can help build their self worth. So yesterday I told Sarah it was Lego time and that I wanted her to take her time and make something she felt proud of, after working for about 20 minutes this beautiful child whom I have had to teach how to play normally lifted this little Lego tower and proudly showed me, I asked "can I take a picture of that? It looks really great and I can see how hard it was to build" her smile got bigger and I could see the glint of pride in her eyes, she then asked mom will you put my picture on your Facebook and in your diarrhea (which is her for diary and that is what she calls my blog), I smiled and said of course and let her watch my phone as I posted it. I will obviously be using this technique again in the future, as I refuse to believe that there is no way to build her self esteem before she attaches more.

A Day At The Ball Park.

I have to share something, we have been having a particularly difficult time with our little adopted daughter lately and for my hubby's birthday we got tickets via discount tire for a Bee's game so as we were getting ready to leave my mom offered to keep Sarah, since outings like that tend to trigger her and then the whole outing turns into keeping her on tight restriction. Anyway so we left her home to go get a kids meal and spend time with Grandma. We normally park in a business parking  lot to the west of the stadium and so this time we were surprised to see that it was under new ownership and the new company was asking for voluntary donations of any amount for their foundation to help kids healing from trauma...needless to say we said yes and donated. As we parked and walked past the building I saw two women standing there and asked them if they worked with this foundation and one of them said she started it. I told them thank you for creating this because families like mine need it, that I have a kid who has had a traumatic childhood and explained some of what we were dealing with, both the lady and I were in tears and choked up as she said "she is the kind of child I created this for" All I could say was thank you and walked away.
This place is called "The Utah House" and is run by St Anthony's Church, however they take children and families of any race or religion. They take medicaid and can work with insurance, they provide therapy and other resources for children who have suffered abuse and trauma. I am so glad resources like this exist.

http://www.utahhousetreatmentprograms.com

My Bittersweet Moment

I love respite for my rad child, and I hate it at the same time. First it is very hard for me to ask for help, I feel like my kids are my responsibility and asking for help is like saying I can't do this, and I hate feeling like I can't do something. Second, while my child is away, I wake up without the dread of getting up and facing all that I know I will be facing. See when you are raising kids from hard places, you know the day is going to be filled with button pushing, so you have to wake up with your game face on and once your feet hit the floor, your day is a tornado of emotion and stress, and constant thinking ALL DAY. Then you get into bed, and say I survived this day.  While my child is away, I realize how many resources are pooled into caring for her throughout the day. I realize that life is not meant to be survived. While I love the respite because it helps me formulate a plan and softens my game face, it also reminds me how hard my day to day is. 

See this picture?

This is what carefree looks like. These kids have a mom is usually occupied caring for their special needs sister, and doesn't have the time or energy to put something into them very often. It's sad but that is my reality. I took these three to see Frozen while Sarah was away at respite today, and I realized this was the first time my four year old has been to a movie theater she was in awe! All three of them were so happy and carefree, a far cry from the day before when the four of us sat comforting each other on the other side of the door as my special needs daughter screamed animalistic tantrums from behind the door. I love all four of my kids, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't question constantly if bringing our Rad child into our family didn't damage the three who were already in the family when she got here. I heard an LDS conference talk recently, that talked about how blessed families are of those children with special needs. I don't feel blessed all of the time, I feel tired and question the why constantly. Someday I hope to feel peace on a daily basis, and not just when we send Sarah away for the day. I am left to think about all of the chaos she creates in our family, and I hurt because I know that this is only a fraction of the chaos this poor kid has been through and cue the guilt....

Why I Have Chosen to Share Our Journey

For too long we have swept the problems of mental illness underthe carpet... and hoped that they would go away. ~ Richard J. Codey

Mental illness is something most people feel ashamed of, they feel that they should be strong enough to handle it on their own. They feel embarrassed or ashamed to share, and that it's no one else's business. Some people just feel like it's a very private thing and they want to handle it quietly. That's fine if you are the kind of person that is ok with it. I however, want my struggle with my daughters mental illness as well as being diagnosed with my own depression and ptsd to be for something. I choose to share our struggle because I want others to know that they aren't weak and destined to suffer. I want to share because someday when I am on the other side of this trial looking back at it triumphantly, I want to advocate for others still in it. I don't want to go through this trial with the weight of shame, as if I had done something to deserve what I am dealing with. While some may look at it as me attention seeking, that's fine if that's what they choose to do. This is not the attention anyone wants, being second guessed is a horrible feeling especially when no one second guesses you as much as yourself.
My battle is not one that will be fought quietly behind closed doors because when I do that I feel that it sends the message that I believe mental illness should be something we are ashamed of. My daughter did nothing wrong to deserve being abandoned by just about every adult who has ever come in contact with her. My daughter did not send a signal that made her bio mom crave the meth that has damaged her brain to it's very core. I certainly did not anticipate giving my child a family of her own, and home that is forever hers just to be diagnosed with Depression and PTSD, and watch as my husband is diagnosed with Depression and severe anxiety, but I would do it again in a heartbeat because I have learned so much and I will come out on the other side of this better, and I hope that this experience gives inspiration to other families struggling as well as other moms and dads who feel like they are being crushed under the pressure of parenting.

Perfection

“None of us will become perfect in a day or a month or a year. We will not accomplish it in a lifetime, but we can begin now, starting with our more obvious weaknesses and gradually converting them into strengths.” Gordon B. Hinckley

One of the things I have learned throughout this process of becoming a therapeutic parent, is that my need for perfection has become less prominent. After being diagnosed with severe depression in August I stopped caring about what others think so much. When I did that I realized that my need to be perfect made me highly defensive against anything negative others might have to say about me, now I have reached a place where I feel much more secure in who I am. Point out my imperfections and I will probably laugh and tell you a few more, just so that you know you've missed a few. Perfection is just not possible, not for me and not for my family. I am learning that my best is just going to have to be good enough, so I'm not the perfect mom, who is really? I am a bad driver sometimes, I get nervous and feel like I have to drive according to who I am with either too fast or too slow...I will get us there, and I will get us there alive......eventually. I'm not the best cook, but once in a while something magic happens and something turns out perfect. I lose my temper, lose every lid I touch, don't fold laundry very often, my house isn't always clean (or ever sometimes) I forget things, I peel my finger nails and yes I am a little fluffy, those are just my "crazy kid burnout" pounds, I'll get rid of them eventually.  My point is that I am ok with not being perfect, and guess what that means? I am ok if you aren't perfect either, so lets get together look at pinterest and burn a recipe or crochet three arms on a sweater..because we can still be happy eating burnt cookies while wearing our 3 armed sweater.

I do my little dance on the tightrope, yeah the tight rope.

“You see, we cannot draw lines and compartments and refuse to budge beyond them. Sometimes you have to use your failures as stepping-stones to success. You have to maintain a fine balance between hope and despair.' He paused, considering what he had just said. 'Yes', he repeated. 'In the end, it's all a question of balance.” 
― Rohinton Mistry, A Fine Balance

Over the past few weeks we have been making the move to my mom's house, the plan is permanently so that we can help her and she can help us. This move has been a tough one, partly because when you are a family of six you accumulate a lot of stuff, partly because I am in school full time still, and a big part because when you are raising a child who has been moved, not only houses but families as well moving triggers feelings of loss and panic about what may come next. We have been dealing with that panic for one of the longest stretches of an emotional downward spiral we have experienced. We started packing about 2 months ago, so you can imagine when this cycle started. Yesterday she had a visit with her therapist and he suggested going back to the blanket boundaries until all of the boxes are out of sight in order to help her focus on a smaller more structured area....more work for me, this is exhausting because healing a traumatized child is always more work for me and I don't understand why completely because she is the one struggling, it would make sense that she should change. Now what doesn't make sense? My reasoning, that's what. I am the grown up, therefor it is my responsibility to model consistency and a regulated mood, and to add to the balancing act on the high wire....I can't react negatively to her behaviors. I know what I need to do, and sort of the why I have to do it, but it's hard and being informed only makes the understanding easier..not the doing. I am overwhelmed.

Last week I attending a "Trauma Mama" retreat from Wednesday through Sunday, it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. 25 moms (one is missing from this picture) from all over the country attended. Mom's with kids who have experienced trauma for different reasons but all have issues because of it. These were moms with different race, religion, beliefs and at different stages of healing their children, and somehow it felt like family. I have never felt understood, loved and accepted by 24 near strangers before in my life, yet these women embraced me. These faces, are the faces of the bravest most devoted and giving moms I have ever met. No one else has understood what it is like to parent a child who hates herself so much that she peels the skin off of her own body, is filled with so much pain, hurt and anger that she screams for hours (and in some cases days) because it is too much. No one else understands that in order to help our kids we have to retrain them, which means breaking old habits and building from new. How hard it is to be pouring all of our time, energy, blood, sweat and tears into a child who gives nothing but hurt in return, Or what it feels like to judged by every move you make with these kids, because what you have to do to help them heal is out of the normal realm of parenting. These women understand what it is like to love unconditionally, and to attempt like the Phoenix to raise ourselves and our children from the ashes of trauma. We are hope rising.

A Little Summer Fun

             Schools been out for awhile now and my sister in law Trish and I needed some mommy chat

time so we loaded up our kids and met up at a local splash pad. The kids had a blast! We packed a lunch and stayed for hours. We followed up with a cone from JCW's it was yummy! We love this little bunch.

Six lives...one family

It's crazy to me to think about my family and the journey we've been on for the past year of our lives. (or even the Journey Tyson and I began almost 9 years ago when we became parents when our oldest was born) Six individual people, six lives the Lord sent down to earth to be part of one family. Each person bringing something unique to the table. Tyson with his beautiful heart, willing to serve those around him, Harlie with her mothering instinct and kind nature, Lucas with his peace maker's soul, Sarah with her strength and guarded loving heart, Madison with her spunk and smile to brighten our days, and me what do I bring to this family unit? I am the mom, I am imperfect what could I possibly bring? I bring the glue to unite us together, I bring my stubbornness to not give up on things that others would have given up on long ago.

There is ONE family but there are six individuals here. No one parenting technique works on every one of my four children, sometimes a technique works once and not a second time.

Something I have noticed about having a special needs child is that everyone is a critic, there is always someone who "KNOWS IT ALL" because they think they have gone through the "exact thing" you have, has advice for you that they themselves do not follow, and there is always someone who is unwilling to ask the questions because the answers to them might be uncomfortable.

 But if you're lucky you have people in your life who just trust that you know what you are doing, or at least that you are learning. They don't try to compare "their story" with yours, they don't try to minimize your struggle they just accept that it is hard they listen when you need to let it out because your heart can't hold any more pain. They don't wait for a call from you, they make the call TO you, they text "hey girl, just thinking of you how are things?" they make an effort. They don't tell you that not talking about it is the only and best way to deal, they don't sweep it under the rug and live by the outdated military policy of "don't ask don't tell" because it makes them uncomfortable. We are lucky to have a handful of those kind of people in our lives, who help lift the burden.

We will get through this, my child will be whole someday and my family will come out of this stronger for it, I WILL keep sharing my experience, I will keep pushing forward, I will read blogs, go to the therapy sessions, read books, listen to diagnosis and doing what I am doing because I am mom, and I get to decide, no one don't gets to judge my decisions if I don't let them.

Gotcha

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day our world was turned upside down. Tink's therapist referred to it as "gotcha day".  It was a very hard day for Tink, she was dealing with a lot of loss, as I am sure that anyone would given the people she has had to let go of.
I wish I had something to post that was worth reading, but right now I feel very hopeless and negative so you get what you get.
This. Is. Hard.

The end of a school year

While this school year has been one of the hardest on my 2 oldest, they have done amazing! H scored in the High range in all areas of the NWEA testing. LJ scored in the high to average range on all of his areas of the NWEA testing. H is now officially no longer a second grader and LJ is officially done with Kindergarten.
It has been amazing watching these two grow, they both love to read and that makes me so happy!
We have our challenges but I would suck if I didn't stop and recognize our accomplishments. I have maintained the presidents list for almost 3 years in school and have a little less than a year before I graduate with my Bachelors degree. We can do hard things....we just can't do them alone.

Enter The Silence

               It is amazing how much you learn about people by how they respond to a crisis. Some jump right into action, willing to do the work that needs to be done. Some sit in silence in disbelief that what is happening could really be happening, hoping that if they just ignore the problem it will go away. Some sit in anger, anger that they can't control what is happening and anger that they have to deal with it at all. I thought that I knew the people around us, thought that I had a pretty good grasp on their personalities, but I have been shocked by the extent some will go to ignoring the crisis. It really is heartbreaking.

Respite

Today I was the kind of mom I never wanted to be, today I added more trauma to an already trauma filled little soul. For a couple weeks now little Tink has been stuck in a cycle. A sleepless nights, defiant, angry hurt filled cycle. I had asked another RAD mom about respite and had lined it up for this weekend but this morning it was an emergency type situation.
After telling my husband about my feelings of being trapped in my worst nightmare, about my only option to not be Tinks mom, to not have her tearing my heart apart constantly. He suggested that he stay at home and I work once I graduate in April next year...I explained that I didn't think I would last that long. Some arguing happened, some things were said. And this morning was even worse, awkward silence more coldness on my part, and off he escaped to work leaving me to live in my own little hell with little Tink and my other 3 munchkins. And then SNAP I went, and not long after he called, and then arranged emergency respite, as I packed little Tink a bag, I explained to her that how she treats me hurts my heart, makes me sad and this morning I was not a very good mom, I don't like to feel that angry and so for a couple days she will be staying with a friend of mom's, and when I feel strong enough I will come and get her. She cried, I cried and I drove her in silence, dropped her off and signed I love you as I drove away without much said.
I came home, and there it was...the peace I had been longing for the past year almost. It once again felt like MY home, I felt like me. I snuggled my littlest girl and have spent the afternoon with my 3 munchkins in an emotional state I haven't been in for awhile...I think it's called relaxed?

I'm not sure what bringing Tink home looks like, or if this break will have an effect on her as well but with the respite provided I feel that I will be reset and ready to get back to doing what needs to be done for her.