I do my little dance on the tightrope, yeah the tight rope.

“You see, we cannot draw lines and compartments and refuse to budge beyond them. Sometimes you have to use your failures as stepping-stones to success. You have to maintain a fine balance between hope and despair.' He paused, considering what he had just said. 'Yes', he repeated. 'In the end, it's all a question of balance.” 
― Rohinton Mistry, A Fine Balance

Over the past few weeks we have been making the move to my mom's house, the plan is permanently so that we can help her and she can help us. This move has been a tough one, partly because when you are a family of six you accumulate a lot of stuff, partly because I am in school full time still, and a big part because when you are raising a child who has been moved, not only houses but families as well moving triggers feelings of loss and panic about what may come next. We have been dealing with that panic for one of the longest stretches of an emotional downward spiral we have experienced. We started packing about 2 months ago, so you can imagine when this cycle started. Yesterday she had a visit with her therapist and he suggested going back to the blanket boundaries until all of the boxes are out of sight in order to help her focus on a smaller more structured area....more work for me, this is exhausting because healing a traumatized child is always more work for me and I don't understand why completely because she is the one struggling, it would make sense that she should change. Now what doesn't make sense? My reasoning, that's what. I am the grown up, therefor it is my responsibility to model consistency and a regulated mood, and to add to the balancing act on the high wire....I can't react negatively to her behaviors. I know what I need to do, and sort of the why I have to do it, but it's hard and being informed only makes the understanding easier..not the doing. I am overwhelmed.

Last week I attending a "Trauma Mama" retreat from Wednesday through Sunday, it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. 25 moms (one is missing from this picture) from all over the country attended. Mom's with kids who have experienced trauma for different reasons but all have issues because of it. These were moms with different race, religion, beliefs and at different stages of healing their children, and somehow it felt like family. I have never felt understood, loved and accepted by 24 near strangers before in my life, yet these women embraced me. These faces, are the faces of the bravest most devoted and giving moms I have ever met. No one else has understood what it is like to parent a child who hates herself so much that she peels the skin off of her own body, is filled with so much pain, hurt and anger that she screams for hours (and in some cases days) because it is too much. No one else understands that in order to help our kids we have to retrain them, which means breaking old habits and building from new. How hard it is to be pouring all of our time, energy, blood, sweat and tears into a child who gives nothing but hurt in return, Or what it feels like to judged by every move you make with these kids, because what you have to do to help them heal is out of the normal realm of parenting. These women understand what it is like to love unconditionally, and to attempt like the Phoenix to raise ourselves and our children from the ashes of trauma. We are hope rising.

A Little Summer Fun

             Schools been out for awhile now and my sister in law Trish and I needed some mommy chat

time so we loaded up our kids and met up at a local splash pad. The kids had a blast! We packed a lunch and stayed for hours. We followed up with a cone from JCW's it was yummy! We love this little bunch.

Six lives...one family

It's crazy to me to think about my family and the journey we've been on for the past year of our lives. (or even the Journey Tyson and I began almost 9 years ago when we became parents when our oldest was born) Six individual people, six lives the Lord sent down to earth to be part of one family. Each person bringing something unique to the table. Tyson with his beautiful heart, willing to serve those around him, Harlie with her mothering instinct and kind nature, Lucas with his peace maker's soul, Sarah with her strength and guarded loving heart, Madison with her spunk and smile to brighten our days, and me what do I bring to this family unit? I am the mom, I am imperfect what could I possibly bring? I bring the glue to unite us together, I bring my stubbornness to not give up on things that others would have given up on long ago.

There is ONE family but there are six individuals here. No one parenting technique works on every one of my four children, sometimes a technique works once and not a second time.

Something I have noticed about having a special needs child is that everyone is a critic, there is always someone who "KNOWS IT ALL" because they think they have gone through the "exact thing" you have, has advice for you that they themselves do not follow, and there is always someone who is unwilling to ask the questions because the answers to them might be uncomfortable.

 But if you're lucky you have people in your life who just trust that you know what you are doing, or at least that you are learning. They don't try to compare "their story" with yours, they don't try to minimize your struggle they just accept that it is hard they listen when you need to let it out because your heart can't hold any more pain. They don't wait for a call from you, they make the call TO you, they text "hey girl, just thinking of you how are things?" they make an effort. They don't tell you that not talking about it is the only and best way to deal, they don't sweep it under the rug and live by the outdated military policy of "don't ask don't tell" because it makes them uncomfortable. We are lucky to have a handful of those kind of people in our lives, who help lift the burden.

We will get through this, my child will be whole someday and my family will come out of this stronger for it, I WILL keep sharing my experience, I will keep pushing forward, I will read blogs, go to the therapy sessions, read books, listen to diagnosis and doing what I am doing because I am mom, and I get to decide, no one don't gets to judge my decisions if I don't let them.

Gotcha

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day our world was turned upside down. Tink's therapist referred to it as "gotcha day".  It was a very hard day for Tink, she was dealing with a lot of loss, as I am sure that anyone would given the people she has had to let go of.
I wish I had something to post that was worth reading, but right now I feel very hopeless and negative so you get what you get.
This. Is. Hard.

The end of a school year

While this school year has been one of the hardest on my 2 oldest, they have done amazing! H scored in the High range in all areas of the NWEA testing. LJ scored in the high to average range on all of his areas of the NWEA testing. H is now officially no longer a second grader and LJ is officially done with Kindergarten.
It has been amazing watching these two grow, they both love to read and that makes me so happy!
We have our challenges but I would suck if I didn't stop and recognize our accomplishments. I have maintained the presidents list for almost 3 years in school and have a little less than a year before I graduate with my Bachelors degree. We can do hard things....we just can't do them alone.

Enter The Silence

               It is amazing how much you learn about people by how they respond to a crisis. Some jump right into action, willing to do the work that needs to be done. Some sit in silence in disbelief that what is happening could really be happening, hoping that if they just ignore the problem it will go away. Some sit in anger, anger that they can't control what is happening and anger that they have to deal with it at all. I thought that I knew the people around us, thought that I had a pretty good grasp on their personalities, but I have been shocked by the extent some will go to ignoring the crisis. It really is heartbreaking.

Respite

Today I was the kind of mom I never wanted to be, today I added more trauma to an already trauma filled little soul. For a couple weeks now little Tink has been stuck in a cycle. A sleepless nights, defiant, angry hurt filled cycle. I had asked another RAD mom about respite and had lined it up for this weekend but this morning it was an emergency type situation.
After telling my husband about my feelings of being trapped in my worst nightmare, about my only option to not be Tinks mom, to not have her tearing my heart apart constantly. He suggested that he stay at home and I work once I graduate in April next year...I explained that I didn't think I would last that long. Some arguing happened, some things were said. And this morning was even worse, awkward silence more coldness on my part, and off he escaped to work leaving me to live in my own little hell with little Tink and my other 3 munchkins. And then SNAP I went, and not long after he called, and then arranged emergency respite, as I packed little Tink a bag, I explained to her that how she treats me hurts my heart, makes me sad and this morning I was not a very good mom, I don't like to feel that angry and so for a couple days she will be staying with a friend of mom's, and when I feel strong enough I will come and get her. She cried, I cried and I drove her in silence, dropped her off and signed I love you as I drove away without much said.
I came home, and there it was...the peace I had been longing for the past year almost. It once again felt like MY home, I felt like me. I snuggled my littlest girl and have spent the afternoon with my 3 munchkins in an emotional state I haven't been in for awhile...I think it's called relaxed?

I'm not sure what bringing Tink home looks like, or if this break will have an effect on her as well but with the respite provided I feel that I will be reset and ready to get back to doing what needs to be done for her.

The Bridge of Suffering

This is a story I found from this Source 

"Because a very wise woman once told me that experiencing suffering on a huge level, the level that RAD families experience it, is like a suspension bridge. It is a long, treacherous bridge made out of rope and old wood. It looks rickety — and it is.

The human being is born on one side of that bridge with the rest of humanity. Life is good on that side. The people there are joyous. They laugh, they play, they dance. All is well on that side of the bridge.

You go on about your business and never notice that there’s even a bridge.

Until…. some point in your life, you happen to glance over while you’re dancing, and you see the bridge. Something compels you, maybe even propels you, to cross it. You tiptoe over each thin board and hope against hope that each one holds your weight. Your knuckles turn white from gripping the rope for dear life. Will you even make it to the other side?

If you do, you are both blessed and cursed all at once. What you find on that side is something you never expected.You find suffering. Suffering on a huge, catastrophic level. The level of shear horror. Because you suddenly realize the pain that your child feels. And not only that, but also that it’s not just your child. It’s all the children who lost their birth families. It’s all the children whose mother’s were on drugs. It’s all the families that took in those children. It’s hundreds, thousands, millions of hurting children and families suffering the same pain. They are all out there somewhere and they all have lived through things a normal person would find unimaginable.

For so long you didn’t even know that side existed. But now you are all too aware. And now you are facing extremely intense emotions that you never even knew were in you, that you didn’t know were in anybody.

On the suffering side of the bridge, you are lonely, afraid, utterly, utterly sad. The thoughts you face on that side of the bridge are completely mortifying. At times you are completely consumed, even paralyzed, by pain. All you want to do is close your eyes and run back across those rickety boards to the other side — where people are still laughing and dancing and carrying on.

That is the bridge of suffering. That is the bridge of Attachment Disorder.

The problem is, it’s not until you cross it, that you realize it’s one-way. You can never go back to the life you had before, to who you were before. You can never go back to NOT knowing.

This is the reality that many adoptive and foster families struggle through and endure every single day with their children. And what they learn over time is that the only way to survive that side of the bridge is by not trying to survive it alone."

Inspired Light

I needed this talk today! Thank you to my visiting teachers.

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/the-hope-of-gods-light?lang=eng

The presentation

"For too long we have swept the problems of mental illness under the carpet... and hoped that they would go away."Richard J. Codey

Max gave our family his presentation on Reactive Attachment Disorder on Saturday, I was scared people were going to get up and walk out, or tell him off but none of that happened thank heavens.
From my view most accepted the information and wanted to know what they could do to help, some were upset because they felt like Max wasn't qualified to know what he did, or that his guest speaker Jodi (a mom who has gone through it) somehow shouldn't talk because she wasn't able to heal her own child. One of the greatest advocates in the church for families and for marriage has NEVER been married. Sherri Dew gives seminars on marriage and family relationships as well as other topics, and she knows her stuff because the Lord saw something in her that he knew she would be receptive of the information and be able to share it.
I get that no one (including me) wants to know that this disorder exists, because it forces you to acknowledge the awful part of human nature. For too long Mental illness has been brushed aside because it makes people uncomfortable and they don't want to talk about it. It is REAL it exists and I am fighting it every day. There is no amount of love that will be enough to fix Tinks hurt, until she learns to recognize that love is not poison. She has to learn what love is before she can accept the love I have for her. I am not doing something wrong! I am doing everything I can to help her heal, so that she can accept love.

 

The Life of Pi

Our lesson in Sunday School today was on faith, it was a beautiful lesson and it was exactly what I needed. Our teacher talked about how much of society needs tangible evidence, meaning they can see or hear what they would consider "proof" of God's existence. I think some things are just so hard to emotionally handle that some would just rather pretend they don't exist. Our teacher talked about the movie The Life of Pi, I have not seen this movie yet but he explained it like this...There was a writer who was looking for a good story, someone had said if you want a good story talk to this man, the man was Pi, he talked about how he was on a boat with all of these animals, ie a tiger, a baboon, etc and how he was in a life boat and how some animals started turning on each other and killed each other and how he and this tiger were enemies but ended up being friends to an extent, then Pi went on to tell the same story about he and other people being stranded on this boat, and how people turned on each other and killed each other, and the reporter asked him which story were true? and Pi said that depended on which story the reporter wanted to believe, and so it is with God.
This story struck me because before we took Tink in we never knew this much hurt could exist, how truly terrible parents can hurt their own flesh and blood, it would be easier to continue through life believing that kids don't behave this way when they are hurt and traumatized, but the we know and we have experienced the truth and while it's not the easiest to believe or accept, it still is what it is.

Mother's day

I had read that Mother's day and mom's birthday are tough events for kids like my Tink, I had heard but no one warned me exactly how hard it would be for her.
For a kid who has never had a consistent mom in their life "mother's day" is to them as Christmas is to an atheist. A holiday for someone who you don't believe in, the whole day feels silly. You hear other people thanking mom for all that she does, and it makes you cringe inside. Mom's are there to tell you what to do, and to leave that's it. At least that's what I think has been going through Tink's head.
Heartbreaking, for several months but specifically the past 2 I have pushed through so much and today, I let her get under my skin, and no one was doing any winning and I snapped.
I lose, she loses.
After a call with Max I found that the days after the first few mothers day's are generally bad, and they were/are. Too much stimulation, confusion and emotion for one very hurt kid.

Questions on my mind:
I love her, why is that never enough?
Why can't I get through to her?
When will I feel a sense of peace return to my home?

And for today, it is what it is and I am still here...I am still here.

The ChaCha

We've been doing a lot of 3 steps forward 2 steps back recently, but for the most part progress is still progress. Mr Max did a compliance test to see where Tink is at right now. This test consisted of a box of toys with 9 instruction cards, he had his back to us but was listening. I had to go in order and they were things like Play with these two stuffed animals together, build something with the blocks and then give her the same blocks to copy what you built,  put lotion on each others hands etc. He said he still see's her struggling to control but that he also see's a lot of progress. Compliance builds respect which builds trust which leads to attachment, and more of a future for Tink, but also less of a happy childhood she has taken away from her. My mom told me the other day that it seem's as though we almost have to tear her down so to speak in order to put things back together in the right way. I agree, I have had to become a type of mom I didn't want to be, in order to be what Tink needs to heal. In the end I know where we are going with her is the best and only way really that she gets a chance. It isn't easy, it isn't fun, but it will be worth it.

Trauma

Last night for the 7th night in a row, Tink went to bed screaming, shouting the most awful things about us, and about herself. She was yelling things like that "nobody should love a stupid mean rotten child" and that she will never make good choices for us because we are "big meanie mom and dad's" and that no one cares about her, no one wants to love her, that no one hugs her (which isn't true because I am doing Nancy Thomas' prescribed 12 hugs a day and doing snuggle time with her on my lap at least daily). Last night my heart couldn't handle the pain anymore, as I sat out on my porch in the rain crying and asking the lord why he would ask this of us, and why he would allow a child to have so much hurt, I realized I wasn't hurt because she was saying mean things, I was hurting because of the pain I could feel in her voice, she wasn't just saying mean things because she was mad, she has been letting out the hurt that she has had trapped deep within her soul her whole entire life. And as hard as it was to listen to, I am so glad that we let her get it out un-interrupted.
Each day that we have had her off of the afternoon dose of the adhd medication I have seen her struggle, but not with hyperactivity more with emotions. I think the adhd medication just made her numb. Each day the mornings are great but then she spirals down in the afternoon, and we end up putting a screaming Tink to bed. My heart is heavy for her, my soul aches for her. I wish that I could take it on myself for her. I long for the day she is free from all of this pain, so that she knows her value and so that she sees "what heaven sees" in her. I have been singing her that song from mindy gledhill during our snuggle time and pointing to her chest when it talks about how "heavenly father knows all that you can do, and you will too if you have eyes to see, what heaven sees in you" and she looks into my eyes and acts like she understand and smiles up at me, but then at night the hurt takes back over and she can't function and she is yelling about what an "idiot" she thinks she is. I asked Max where she has heard all of these horrible things she has been saying because I don't talk like that to my kids, and he suggested that she has picked them up because she is hyper vigilant, she soaks in vocabulary from tv, movies, other people around her she is stock piling language, because she is listening for the next thing to come that is going to hurt her, in her mind it will happen.

My other kids are struggling, how can they not all of the peace that was once in our home is gone?  In it's place is contention, rage, anger and hurt. The mom they once knew no longer exists, instead I am tired, sad, focused on helping Tink, or anticipating her next melt down so that I will be able to calmly handle it so that she learns to trust me. Every one of my children has suffered abuse from Tink, my youngest, M has suffered pysical and emotional abuse, my middle has been suffered inappropriate touch that has made him both upset and uncomfortable in addition to emotional abuse. My oldest as had her stuff stolen, and has suffered the same emotional abuse. All 3 of them have had favorite and brand new toys ripped or broken by her. And all three of them can see how upset by it their parents are. Some would be asking right now "then why don't you give her up?" I don't give her up because the Lord asked us to take care of her, and to help her heal. She is ours, would they give away their own flesh and blood because they had Autism? This disorder was caused by people not meeting her needs, I will not add to that. I trust that heavenly father will support us through this, he will help mend this broken child's heart.

An extended family filled weekend

On Saturday we had the amazing opportunity to watch a young man become the newest member of the church, to start on a path of being the hands of his heavenly father, our handsome nephew Garrett was baptized and received the holy ghost. I remember the day that those things happened for me in my life and what an impact being a member of his church has had, and I am so proud of this boy for choosing to be baptized and for his sweet calming spirit. I felt the spirit so strongly during the service and I love the Lord for sending it down to be with Garrett, his family and friends.

On Sunday (yesterday) we saw my new beautiful niece receive one of the tender blessings from the lord delivered through her daddy. As I sat waiting for the meeting to start I was reading conference talks and praying throughout the morning. Again from the blessing for this tiny baby the spirit in the chapel was so strong.

Both of these events were amazing and I feel so blessed to have been a witness to them, and to know the little people that they were for.
Afterwards we spent the evening with my amazing mama. It never matters what is happening she always makes me feel wanted and loved. When I call her crying  that I can't do this she nudges me gently forward. I don't know many people who are so willing to jump in and help but I am so grateful one of them is my mom.

Being a member of this church is what is fueling me on the journey that my family is on right now. The knowledge that this life is temporary, that the Lord love us and wants the best for us has made lifted the burden, I am a witness to miracles from my heavenly father and I am so grateful for his love. 

Positive lessons this past year is teaching me

I hate to post another thing I found on this site but E.C. over at the Patches Family Foundation seems to nail how I feel every time.
The positive lessons from RAD.
(from the patches family foundation)
Positive??? Yes! Positive.......

- I am no longer judgemental towards other parents struggling with a naughty child.

- I probably know more about attachment than 90% of professionals!

- I can share attachment advice to the new parents I work with to help prevent RAD.

- I have learned what it takes to truly love someone when you least feel the mushy feelings.

- I have learned I am not the person I used to be....as the trials have matured me.

- I have become more skilled in spotting issues in others quickly.

- I have learned the true value of peace and quiet.

- I have become strong trough the trials I have endured.

- I have been weak through the trials I have endured.

- I have learned there are no quick fix answers in life.

- I have learned that some people don't want to learn.

- I have learned that some people do want to learn.

- I have learned that it does not matter what others think of me.

- I have learned my well being does not need other people's approval.

- I have learned it ONLY matters what God thinks of me.

- I have learned I was hand picked by God above and been called to love the sick, poor and needy in every sense of the word.

- I have learned I am not alone.

- I have met some amazing warriors all over the world also walking the same hard road.

- I have learned I am also a survivor.

- I have become softer and more mature in my outlook on life.

- I have become more understanding of the complex issues of parents able to hurt their own children.

- I have learned what true forgiveness really means (and takes).

- I have learned what it means to offer selfless love to another.

- I have delighted in the small positive steps.

- I have learned it takes truly special parents to love hurting kids.

- I have learned life is not always easy.

- I have learned I can deal with rejection and still keep on loving.

- I have learned trust in God above to heal my son.

- I have learned trust in God above to heal my wounds too.

- I have seen the miracles of hurting, damaged kids become healed, productive adults.

- I have learned the value of true friendship.

- I have learned that my experience allows me to reach out to other hurting kids and families.

- I have had more qualifications in my home than from any university.

- I have learned to dance in the rain.

- most importantly I have met amazing parents and survivors who I share a special and unbreakable bond with that few would ever understand.

- I am honoured and privileged I have met truly amazing others who do not get the credit they are due.

- I am blessed to know you all - each and every one of you ❤
-E.C.

1

Smelling the color 9

"Trying to understand the behavior of some
people is like trying to smell the color 9" 

A couple of days ago Tink was upset because I used my "mary poppins" voice all day, didn't respond when she purposely pushed toys to the edge of her blanket and watched to see my reaction, when I didn't react she got angrier and angrier. Finally I gave her a big hug and asked her why she was so angry, to which she responded "because you won't let me push your buttons and that is making me mad!" I said so you're mad because I am not mad? "Then she said no because you're not getting angry" Um oooooh. I told her that I didn't "feel like being angry" and then she argued "yes you are angry"I laughed it off and continued working on my computer. Then out of nowhere she said "If Madi were died, that would make you angry" and I said "no, just sad" which made me feel very grateful that Madi is no longer sleeping in the same room with her. YIKES.

"Self Care"

Tink's therapist holds me accountable for taking care of myself first throughout all of this craziness, and each week when he asks me what I did to take care of myself, I struggle to answer because I don't know how to put myself first. I am a mom of 4 kids, one of them requires extra care, and the other three get the short end of the stick and I am left trying to make up for the fact that I have nothing left to give them. In addition to this I am in school full time, and maintaining a 3.96 gpa. In addition to that I have personal responsibilities to be a good wife, to a husband who is at work five days a week from 7 am to 7:30-8:00 pm. When is this "self care" supposed to happen? The evening bed time routine is essentially the only time my three "healthy" kids get without being interrupted by a screeching, angry or pouting Tink. The therapist said that if I don't do self care he won't continue to see Tink, and we need for him to continue to treat her. I can feel when I am getting burnout that I am less patient and less of the mom this traumatized kid needs, and the best way to avoid that burnout is self care. The rules of self care are that it can't be kid related no reading books on RAD, or childhood trauma, no electronic devices and nothing school related. I don't know how to do that so I shuffle through "self care" pins on pinterest, and "me time" on the internet and I find nothing helpful, and this mama doesn't know how to do those things? So I turn to comfort food, which is probably why I have gained 25 lbs since taking on Tink. Maybe self care is a long walk by myself in the evening, or maybe it looks like 25 mins an evening on the eliptical. I don't know, I suck at this.

"Be OK"

INGRID MICHAELSON

"Be OK"

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

[CHORUS:]
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

[CHORUS]

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok

Just like any other mom and daughter in the world

"The important thing for you as a mom is to be there for your daughter, and let her know the door is always open if she wants to talk, now or in the future." Unknown Author

I saw a glimpse at who Tink is underneath all that "stuff" today, and she was amazing. We have been working really hard with boundaries and watching what we say to and around her so for the day I let her be free from the blanket (hey we all need a free day right?) partly because she has earned it and partly because I just didn't have it in me today. She was amazing! She had a genuine personality with a real smile to match, I say real smile because it was the kind that came from her heart. While I was working on homework at my mom's house, I could hear Tink starting to get worked up and instead of reminding her to settle down I asked her to bring a coloring book and crayons and come color beside me, "just me and you time?" she asked, "sort of, I still have homework to finish" I explained, but it didn't seem to matter I am wearing doterra's "balance" on my spine, wrists and heart and the scent helps me keep my emotions "balanced" but I think it and the fact that I was regulating her, so we sat there coloring and making small talk about crayons and mom's artwork on the computer, just like any other mom and daughter in the world...

My Lovlies

A friend of mine just opened up a clothing boutique and asked two of my girls to model some of the dresses...I heart my lovelies!

So do I baby, so do I

The past few days have been filled with lots of screaming, anger, sadness etc. I'm not sure what sets off a cycle like this but the past few nights Tink has been getting up and playing, well last night The hubs had lost enough sleep, he went in and got her and said cmon Tink since you don't want to sleep we're going to do chores, which was fine with her till he let her know the chore would be picking up dog poop in the back yard, this sent her screeching back to her room letting him know that she would rather go to bed the whole way there, and back out they went they spent about an hour in the freezing cold in pj's while she scooped poop. She came in and told him that he had never gave her that "worser" of a job.
Today she was filled with anger, not just the grumbly type but the resentment type, towards everyone and everything. I went in to clean her room and learned that part of the reason she is up at night is because she had a my little pony stash hidden in her heat vent. What 5 year old thinks of this? That is teenager hiding their marijuana stash level of thinking. So we cleaned her room and the more I cleaned the stranger things I was finding, I found that she had taken 4 of the nuts and washers that hold her bed together and stuffed them in and under her pillow...I am baffled at how she thinks this advanced but socially and emotionally acts so much younger than her age.
Fast forward to this evening, I felt impressed to have a heart to heart with little Tink, she just has been struggling with so much anger. I basically told her that I know that she has been hurt, and not just like a scrape or a bruise but that I can understand that it hurt to have to come and live with us and leave her old mom and dad behind, that it probably hurt when her grannie gave her to A & K, that it probably hurt to live in foster care, and by this time she was in full out real tears...and then she opened up to me about foster care for the first time since ever...she said she didn't like foster care, that the moms (she was last with a lesbian couple from what I have gathered) didn't read the scriptures or say any prayers, and that there was a bigger girl who took the toys she was playing with and the moms let the big girl. Then I let her know that I know that she thinks her bio mom and dad gave her away because she thinks she's bad. I let her know that it was their fault, not hers. She deserved to have a mom and dad and a family, and to be happy. At this point she melted into my arms and told me that she wishes she grew in my tummy, and all that I could do was hold her and cry with her comforting her with a "so do I baby, so do I".

open letter

I haven't posted as much because I have felt like things were getting too detailed here for some to be able to understand, but on the Patches Family Foundation Facebook page they posted this poem and it really hit the mark on what things have been like for us.
Dear Family and friends,
I want to take the time to share
something that may seem that I pulled from the air.
but I promise you just one thing - I promise it is true.
And I will share some more with you...... if you will just ask.
I risk the pain of rejection as you read and start to view.
My fear is condemnation as you start to see my life.
But I felt its time to share with you as I need you by my side.
I have a beautiful family of that we are all agreed.
But the thing you haven't been able to see,
is my child has special hidden needs
These needs happened because of all he has went through.
My child is victim of trauma - and it isn't caused by me.
My child experienced abuse and pain - 
All happening before age 3.
My child has Reactive Attachment Disorder 
Because of all the pain but I need to tell you something.
Its not me who should shoulder the blame.
His life is a struggle between fear and love
How can he trust after all that he's been through.
He must reject and cause me pain to keep me far away,
He lives in terror every day and his past trauma haunts his world.
He is torn inside and consumed by fear,
He works hard to protect himself year by year.
My child was abused and abandonded before he came to me.
My child experienced horror and pain before he got to age 3.
My child is hurting deep inside each and every day.
He pushes so hard to make me go away.

He cant understand the care and love I offer him each day
He only understands hurt, pain, rejection and fear.
He knows that and would prefer it to stay that way.
It seems so far less scary than love and peace could be.
He rejects and hates with a venom I could never have believed
Because of what bio mother did - he won't now be pushed around.
He rages in pain and lashes out at family,
He destroys and he steals,
He dreams of kicking me down to the ground,
But this one momma is sticking around.
My son is a tornado of hate and pain.
He rejects and he pushes because of his own pain.
Can I help put his shattered heart together again?
I sit and cry as I struggle to find these words.
Few people believe me
Few understand
Few want to help me
So many have judged me, so many have blamed.
As you sit in judgement please try to see -
I am just a mother who is as hurt as can be.
There is hope for my little guy of that I am sure
I just need some support to help me back to shore
This battle it rages every day.
Sometimes by the hour and minute of every day.
From the little requests to the seething screams of "no"
From the destruction and damage few people know.
He destroys and he hurts because that's all he knows.
He must stay in control - no matter the cost.
From every tiny little thing he must be in control.
He fights and he pushes, he hurts those who are close.
He is fighting with all he has in protecting his past hurts.
This journey is so hard.
It is riddled with hurt and pain.
It is lonely and scary
But harder when I am blamed.
I need you to help me,
I need you to see
He has been robbed of and peace and love
And holds terrible pain and anger inside.
He will never ever heal without undying love from me.
Please do not judge me,
Or think I am just being mean.
You do not see the battles
that rage deep within.
I am fighting for my child - hoping he can see
There is freedom in love - and that love starts with me.
I can't parent him like healthy kids - I need to stay in control.
How can he ever trust me if I just sit down, cry and fold?
I need to make tough decisions that you will never know
I need to help him daily - these decisions help him grow.
It really does not help him - when he can play you like a fool.
He will lie and cry to make you believe that its me I did it all.
He will tell you things about me that couldn't ever be true.
Often he's reliving his past but please take time to figure it out -
or else you have just been fooled.
I did not hurt him, I only love in hope that one day soon I can hear:
'I know what happened was so bad, but today I feel less pain'
So to my friends and family:
I want your help and support each day
because I feel so alone.
I know its so hard to understand and its hard to believe this is true.
But if you hold my hand - I will help you see and I can guide you through.
And your support and care can help me survive and help me just get through.

~E.C.

In her way

We are trying out some new parenting techniques for "attachment therapy", one of the techniques is that I give Sarah a small area near me to play and specific things to play with, much like you would a newborn child. The idea is to teach her boundaries, which she has a hard time with. Today I gave her a magna-doodle and as she was drawing I could tell that she was doing something that she wasn't supposed to be, she kept nervously glancing between me and the drawing. So I looked at it, and it was a stick figure of a person with long hair and laying down and something that looked like it was stabbed in her stomache. I asked her what she was drawing and she said, "that's you dead", so I asked her why she was drawing a picture of me dead and she said that "she was angry because she had to play there" and after talking for a minute she divulged that "she wanted mom to be dead so that she could marry dad, and be the boss of everyone in the house and have grown up shoes, and cook what she wants to eat" And I asked her if she thought that I was stopping her from having the things that she wants and she said "yes" and I said "you realize that if I weren't here you would not be part of this family" after a little more conversation and more things she was saying that I didn't want to hear I asked her to go up to her room for a little bit. I needed time to think about how to react because I was hurt that she wanted me to be dead, and that if she stayed here I would continue to reprimand her for feeling a way that I know I am not the cause of. I called my husband and he suggested I call the therapist. Sarah's therapist reminded me that it is not personal, she is angry and doesn't know how to show that in a healthy way. She sees me as the target because I am the one doing all of the work to help her to be healthy, and I am the one who cares enough to do be here to do it. So, I called her back downstairs and I told her that when she is angry it is not okay to draw pictures of mom dead, and that there are better ways to show that she is angry one of them would be to tell me that she is angry. I told her that since she thinks I am in her way of the things she wants, I want her to draw a picture of all of the things she has because I am her mom. I suggested a few things to get her started...A home, a dad, 2 sisters and a brother, a bed, blankets....she is sitting in her small play area drawing and I am scared to see what she came up with.

And she came up with nothing, 45 minutes of staring at a paper with a crayon in her hand and she could not recognize anything that I do for her. So it was on to phase two, I gave her what she wanted, she was in charge for the night. I had already put dinner in the crock pot but didn't let her know that, I told her she could not use my groceries, because someone in charge of the house has to go grocery shopping to feed their family, the other three were moving from room to room making messes and she had to clean them up, Tyson got home at about 8 that night and no one had eaten, everyone was hungry and then he talked to her and she tried to offer what food she had for dinner, which was sticks of gum from her easter basket. By the time Tyson got home she was begging not to be the mom anymore, because it is "too hard to be a mom" so true little one, so true.

How I am feeling about all of this......overwhelmed. I work so hard every single day to help her overcome the setbacks she is facing, I take her to therapy,to dr appointments, and fill prescriptions. I am the one doing all of the work to help her learn boundaries, empathy, cause and effect, how to identify her emotions. I kiss the hurts (at least the ones that she tells me about) I calm the fears, I give the hugs (almost the prescribed 12 a day), I reassure her of her worth, I am doing the work to help her to heal...And she hates me for it, and that sucks! 
It has been over a month since I have had a day off of mom duty, and I am tired, overwhelmed and discouraged. But I have faith that this time will pass, this trial will pass and that someday, this little girl will be healed, and that is why I get up everyday, put on my brave mom face, and do the work that needs to be done. 

one day at a time

While we had a very bad couple of days the week before last, the past few days have shown signs of healing in our little girl. This past week we began a form of "attachment parenting" and it is really hard because it requires all positives, no negatives, encouraging her to keep eye contact when she is speaking to us, clear consequences for decisions (good or bad) no warnings (that one is especially for me) and practicing good reactive behaviors (that one is hard for her) after about a week of this I began wondering if it was making any sort of difference, and then yesterday as we were sitting in the Neuro ICU while Tyson was in visiting his grandma, Sarah picked up my hand looked in my eyes and said "Mom, I love you and Dad the most" and my heart melted and I felt like we are definitely on the right path. We also were given another diagnosis for miss Sarah that includes another prescription, and another card stacked against this little girl. This diagnosis is a direct result of her bio moms meth use, and it hurts my heart so much to know that there are women out there that have no clue what being a mom requires, and what a blessing it is to be a mom.

Broken Bonds

"It takes time to heal wounds of broken love,
  and sometimes that love is for... forever."

 I always wince when people tell me that our little Sarah seems to be doing ok, It's hard for me to explain to others what Reactive Attachment Disorder looks like. It's hard to put into words the things this amazing little girl struggles with, but I'll try. One day a couple of weeks ago, Sarah was having an extremely hard time listening and following the rules. Tyson, being the sweet patient dad that he is he tried rationalizing with her and it went something like this.

"Sarah, do mom and dad love you?" Tyson asked her "Yes" she said, he asked "how do you know dad loves you" she responded "because you're here everyday and not in jail" "yes" he said " that is one way, what are some other things that mom and dad do for you to show that we love you?" and then the blank stare and the repeated "Because you come home everyday" 

That was when it hit me like a freight train she doesn't recognize what love is, so how could she feel it as love. I remember early in my marriage reading a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, it dawned on me that Sarah does not have a language, but someday I hope that she will.
That being said we have had to face the cold hard truth that this R.A.D is something that can never be "cured" it is not something that we can love away. According to her therapist and many other moms who are loving kids like Sarah, she will struggle with this her whole life to some degree or another. We can expect things to get a bit worse when she is 11 or 12 and that scares the heck out of me, but I know that the answers and solutions will come, but most of all I know that someday because of the love of my heavenly father Sarah's mind and heart will be healed and whole again.

Perfection

"Do not expect to become perfect at once. If you do, you will be disappointed. Be better today than you were yesterday, and be better tomorrow than you are today.” From the Life of Lorenzo Snow

       Yesterday we had a lesson in relief society about what perfection really means, it isn't being the mom who does everything right, the wife who never fights with her husband or having 100% visiting teaching every month. Perfection is achieved through making mistakes. I have learned over the past year that perfection is something that comes from making the wrong choice, seeing how that choice affected the happiness of those around me, and my own happiness for that matter. The steps to perfection come through recognizing our own weaknesses and shortcomings and then overcoming them. You would thing the hard part would be over coming them, but it isn't. The hard part is recognizing them. It is hard to hear yourself say or think something terrible, and then accept that it was not the best choice of words. Life is imperfect, if we were expected to not make mistakes we would never have been sent here on earth. We are made perfect by doing the best we can, by going through trials that bring about change in ourselves, and only through the atonement can we be made perfect.